Burn It

Today I spoke with another surgeon hoping for another opinion, hoping for a cure to my constantly increasing pain. Neither were given, I was told again that it was time for me to quit. It was a surreal experience to be almost pleading someone to chop my foot off but to no avail. I left the hospital and even as I saw my future begin to go up in flames I felt nothing. I know from what he said of the state of my foot I don't have long left before the bone collapses and I also have serious arthritic problems so I have to change my thinking. I have to once again apply the knife to any hopeless dreams and then burn any bridges back to them.

I guess it's easy for people outside of the type of climbing I pursue to say "just quit" but I've totally committed myself to this way of life and after over a decade I know I never will or possibly could live a normal life. Occasional weekends and maybe one week in Norway etc per year wouldn't cut it for me. Its not just the climbing though its the whole lifestyle, it allows me to test myself outwith the bullshit rules and regulations of almost anything else and unlike everything else the mountains don't judge me on my my disabilities up there I'm free of everything including myself. No way that can be given up.......Ever

To quit would be against everything I've been taught and against instinct. Quitting would break me easier than keeping on going until I no longer can, the thought of sitting on my arse remembering what once was when I could still do something truly disgusts me. To keep moving forward may well be the harder thing to do given I know what'll eventually happen to me but in choosing the harder way I know the journey will ultimately be more rewarding and more defining of what my true character may be and in knowing that I'll know whether I'm weak or strong without doubt and without having to fade away wondering what I could've done.....