Canada

Last week I was really psyched about my impending trip to Canada so it was with high expectations I got on the long flight trip Calgary. The moment I arrived things started going wrong, immigration held me back for a while then as I got towards Banff my stomach felt a little sore. 3 days later I eventually felt safe enough to venture more than dashing distance away from my bathroom. Then I still had no energy to climb and conditions weren't great. The film went down well with those that saw it at the festival but after attending a panel discussion on soloing I got the impression that my reasons for doing it were very different than most others or perhaps I'm just a bit more honest about it?? I got asked a few times about "why" when I was there so during the illness and recovery I did some serious 'soul-searching' about why I do it and I reckon theres 3 reasons

1) My not allowed being allowed to join the Army and therefore not carrying on somewhat of a family tradition I feel some need to live an adventurous life.

2) Being disabled I still feel that I have something to prove to myself about my abilities.

3) Last but not least trying to clear my head from the 'heart wrenching' split from the love of my life.

These are the best, most honest and most likely reasons I have for taking risks but I'm not a psychologist so who knows...........
Above is a picture of me out of puff at Lake Louise , I had walked to 7000ft with a mate who works for the National Parks of Canada. On the way out he was putting his skis on and said to me to go ahead, he would catch up. After days of illness I was desperate to feel like I had done something so I decided to run.If you want to get your heart going I can recommend running full tilt at 7000ft, in snow wearing climbing kit. I was wearing a t-shirt by the time I got to the car and got some strange looks from the well wrapped tourists. I came home to an email from Scarpa saying they will supply me with mountain boots which is great, especially for winter here and possibly the Eiger in March!!!!!!!!!

Flip Sides

With the media attention I've had recently it's got me thinking about the flip sides of my climbing. By flip sides I mean how my climbing seems to be perceived by some and the reality of it and they couldn't be further from each other. I always try to be honest with my writing so here goes with an explanation. I did some climbing in Glen Nevis earlier this year for the Adventure Show (to be shown tomorrow night at 7 p.m. on BBC2) and after the climbing was done we did a short interview. It went the way most interviews do asking about my hand etc then Duncan , the presenter , mentioned that he detected a hint of self-hate in what I do! I'd never really thought about my climbing in that light before but it certainly seemed a logical explanation for soloing. This is one of the strange paradoxes in climbing with me pushing myself into situations where I may die or I know that I'm going to be in pain yet at the same time it makes me feel good about myself. In one interview when I was asked about soloing being a loner's sport, I explained that I feel more alone in a club surrounded by hundreds of people than I do when I'm alone in the hills.

People often ask me about how I manage to become bold for climbing and this is going to be different for every bold climber, but I do not see myself as bold. I put myself in risky situations in a small way because I feel I owe it to myself to a certain extent for not sticking up for myself early enough as a kid when I was being bullied. So if you look at all the above issues they are countered by the mirror image of themselves, self hate diminished by love of climbing , loneliness quenched by loneliness and self perceived cowardice confronted by my boldness in soloing close to my absolute physical and mental limits.............

I'm off to Banff, Canada in a couple of hours to promote and introduce Hotaches film 'Monkey See Monkey Do' and I can't wait to get there but as usual it'll be a schizophrenic experience in that I'll enjoy being in the company of some of the greatest climbers and mountaineers in the world but at the same time I'll wish I was out scoping Mark Twight's un-repeated route 'The Reality Bath' on the White Pyramid. A 600m ice climb under a serac in which, according to one guidebook writer," you have a 50/50 chance of getting the chop".......................

Busy Weekend

I got up on Saturday morning and put on my shorts, wicking top, hill running shoes and stepped outside into a cold morning and scraped the frost from my windscreen and left for Arran. My plan was to do every main summit in one blast. I had walked it the previous year and suffered with a fair amount of pain afterwards so I knew what I was getting myself into. The weather wasn't great but the occasional break in the cloud showed some impressive views, if I were to ever tire of the hills I know that one day on Arran would easily re-ignite my love of the outdoors.


I was doing this as part of my winter training but also to distract me from thinking about what was happening the following night. After 8 hours exactly I arrived back at the ferry point and didn't feel to bad though as I write this I'm suffering a bit.


Sunday at 5a.m I awaken sharply with the realisation that tonight is the premiere of Hotaches new film 'Single Handed' at the Edinburgh Mountain Film Festival which is about my climbing and motivations etc and I am more nervous about this than any other thing I have done in my life but the film was well received and I was glad to be there when Diff won both the awards that the film was nominated for, thanks to everyone who voted for the film.I had quite a few people with similar disabilities or who had children with disabilities say that the film inspired them which I always struggle with but I'm glad people can take that from what I do. I also now have the opportunity to go to the Banff Mountain Film Festival with the film which is amazing , I would never have imagined being in such a privileged position when I started climbing a few years back.


You can view the trailer for the films on Hotaches Productions website................

Reality Check

Since doing E7 the other week I've been working and doing a couple of lectures so theres been no time to climb or train. So the other day I got a text from Andy Turner saying he will be keen for climbing in November so I decided I had better get my finger out and start training on the axes and getting a bit of hill fitness built up. I've managed to get in a few good runs and have really enjoyed just being out alone in the hills. Last night though was a serious reality check as to where my winter strength is at , before I moved up to Fort Bill and staying in Ayrshire I was the one that trained the hardest at the wall and pushed myself (well thought I pushed myself) but last night was an eye opener when Dave Macleod came down to the wall , complete with weight belt , and proceeded to easily do twice the amount that I did. It made me realise that I'll need to take myself to a whole new level this season if I intend to climb the routes on my list. It is possible but what is left of my already shattered social life will need to take another hammering.

Post E7 I thought I would genuinely be able to relax and walk away from soloing but already I have my eye on an E8 in The Peak , so between that and getting ready for this winter route my life will once again be completely taken over. If I'm successful on these routes though I HAVE to step back and take stock of what I've done and what I've gotten away with before my life becomes completely empty bar my climbing , which is nearly the case at the moment!!

Ya Dancer

After last weeks disappointment at Strathconnon I was pretty angry at myself for not having broken the E7 barrier , not angry at failing on the route but more angry at myself due to the nagging doubts of losing my bottle etc . A while back Dave and Gaz both soloed an E7 slab in the Gorms called Firestone , Dave called me shortly afterwards telling me it would suit my style of climbing . However the route gets seepage from Hells Lum and takes days to dry , which hadn't happened for near two months . On Wednesday night I checked the forecast for the weekend and saw that Friday looked good and it had been dry for three days , time to go for it . I picked Kieran up early and headed to Aviemore to meet Fran . The closer we got to the Gorms the better it looked . We got ready and headed on in and even though I kind of knew what I was heading for I felt perfectly content with it.




Kieran and Fran heading up the Goat Track






We headed up into the Corrie in a fairly strong wind but stunning views everywhere , one of those days that make you glad to be alive and in the mountains . On arrival at the crag the route looked exactly as it said in the guide "devoid of holds and protection" perfect!! I got on top rope right away and , as happened last week , only fell once first attempt. I tried it afew more times but then realised that what will happen will happen , harness off , rope gone , just myself and time to play the dark mental game.

Tope-roping Firestone , Fran on belay...

I sat away while the lads set up for film and pics. I always have to try find the right motivation triggers before doing things like this and they usually follow the same line and this time was no exception but I usually feel pretty scared and yet this time I felt nothing . Just an emptiness that seemed to come from focus , total committment to doing the line and a kind of resignation to the route. I felt free.

I got on the route and climbed the first few metres , my foot slipped and I hurtled down , no pain though so no excuses to quit. Straight back on and went for it , I went way past any possibility of down-climbing and remember thinking to myself that I was strangely happy to be in a position like this. As I approached the crux , which is in the last few moves , I could feel my feet start to slip again but then something happened and I focused totally on the subtle smears in the rock , no racing heartbeat , no hurling stomach , just a crystal clear picture of what had to be done.





Approaching the midway point on the solo



I got to within one move of the good hold at the end and just as I tickled two fingertips onto a tiny hold my feet once again felt insecure , relax , keep going , no chance to quit now. I reach through by the skin of my teeth to the finishing hold , mantle and literally run the last few metres and it was just the best I've felt in years.




Contemplating what I had just done and pondering whats next





As we were packing up our kit I took some time to myself to think , and realised that although I was stoked at doing the route I was also feeling somewhat lost as I dont really know where to go next in rock climbing , I have always said that soloing E7 was my lifetime ambition and I wouldn't solo any harder but already the niggling thoughts were there. I also had to try explain to myself how far I'm willing to go to climb a route , the risk , purposeful depression , severing contact with important people in the build up and came very quickly to the conclusion that those fleeting seconds of pure undiluted happiness after the climb are worth all the sacrifice.





Time to focus on winter plans................

Ambition vs Friction

A while back I decided that if I could solo or lead a bold E7 then I would make an effort to walk away from doing life threatening things on a fairly regular basis ( though I was reminded that I said this about reaching E3 ) . So with this in mind Diff , Gaz and myself headed to Strathconnon yesterday to check out the Julian Lines route 'The Unknown Soldier' . A very bold and slabby undertaking . I got on a top rope and did all the moves bar one 1st try then the sun came out...

On top rope , pics- Gaz Marshall

I tried again and again to do the crux move but with nigh on zero friction I had to admit defeat and after a bout of swearing , lowered down . I know I'll go back to attempt this line when the temp drops but I also know that its right at my limit and that I'll be taking a huge chance in leading it . But in my opinion its worth taking the risk as the personal reward from success on this route far outweighs the risk of serious injury etc .

Looking scunnered after lowering off for the final time

The closer I get to climbing my lifetime ambition grades the more I have to wrestle with my reasons for climbing the way I do . I've been questioned many times about if I have a deathwish and after having nearly died quite a few times I can honestly say I dont as I've fought hard to survive . Theres also the question of whether I feel I have to prove something with being disabled but I haven't felt that for years . Perhaps its because of being dumped by the only girl I've loved because of my climbing , well I say dumped , she did give me a choice between her and climbing . I dont know if I'll ever truly understand why my ambition never seems to dull in climbing but I'm pretty sure that no matter what I do I'll never be able to easily walk away from the cathartic joy of taking risks....

The Hurt Begins

Tonight I headed straight down the wall after work for my first axe training session since March. Luckily Blair and Johann were psyched too and helped me motivate myself. As they bouldered I sharpened my Fusions in prep for what would be the sketchiest holds I have ever trained on.

Trying hard not to fall off

The training hurt but I managed to stick all the sketchy holds now all I need to do is attempt to link it all , so I need to lose a bit of weight , work on strength and fitness and sort out my diet...........

Blair showing the effort

Johann on the steepest board

Moving up here , bringing up the wall and all the training is pretty much all for one reason. That reason is one particular winter route which , if i manage to climb it , will mean I can hopefully get peace from myself. It will take me to a level , physically and mentally , that I find hard to imagine right now. I really wanted to do it last year and I got physically ready but mentally I wasn't prepared. I was still hanging onto the past in some areas of my life but I've cut away from that now and have a fresh outlook on my approach. The route is the most serious thing I've ever wanted to do and its the first time I've actually been afraid of a climb , even soloing M10+ feels easy in comparison to how this will be.

Last year I thought that if I was depressed then I would approach the climb with a 'who cares' attitude but the depression started having a physical effect and I had to battle a bit to break out of it. I've realised though that I have to hang on to my dark side so I can tap into that to allow me to climb solo near my limits , I've also learned how to effectively control the depression that I get as a side effect of my epilepsy now so I can use it to my advantage. So heres hoping it all comes together this year..................