New Toys

I recently received support for my winter kit from Grivel so this meant a visit to the prosthetics guys at Raigmore Hospital the other week. we had a bit of a discussion on angles etc for the axes and the guys got to work chopping my Quantum Race tools up and I picked up the finished products yesterday. Trying out the mixed version of my prosthetic

Today I headed down to the Ice Factor to try out the results. Its really handy having this place local to test these out instead of realising faults while in Norway or Italy etc. The guys there (Jamie B , Andy , Kieran) were good enough to help out with belaying and taking the pics.
The shorter ice version in action

They both seemed to work fine in here but I'll need to wait till winter to really find out.

Trying, Failing and Accepting

I've had almost two months off work now to try climb E8 and sort out some other parts of my life. It's given me time to accept that for the time being settling into a relationship isn't going to work for me while I'm pushing myself trying to find out just how far I can go with my disabilities. it's selfish of me to keep trying as my attitude is one of not letting anything distract me and even the pettiest squabble can put me off so it's not worth it. I also feel closer to accepting the fact that I'm getting a bit older now and any chance of a career in the fields I'm interested in are slipping away, all this has the positive side effect that I'm more capable of focussing my energy on climbing and committing myself more to it.

Trying Marks line in Glen Nevis -Pic-Alan Fox

I've been trying a lot of new routes in my time off, trying to find different ways of using my left hand to allow me to climb better and it's working.Mark McGowan pointed out a route to us in the Glen that he reckoned was worth a look so Johann and myself tried it the other week and it was utter nails (sure E7) I couldn't do one bloody move but it's well worth another look and I'm sure Johann will send it soon. I was beginning to worry that if I was to climb harder than E7 that I'd be doomed to climbing slabs for the rest of my life. But after another visit to Ireland with Di Gilbert to meet up with Ricky again that fear has been quashed. I tried a few lines without success due to my hand ,though no matter how hard I try to just accept this it still pisses me off and I get extremely angry with myself.
Top roping Tolerance E8 6c, Binnien, The Mournes . -Pic- Ricky Bell

Tolerance is a mega bold route with a terrible landing if you blow it on any of the hard moves but it's an absolutely stunning line. I have a struggle with two of the moves but I'm sure I can manage them in cooler conditions. It's great to have focus back on one or two particular routes again as it allows me to concentrate and not have that 'whats next?' feeling.

It was another great trip to Ireland, every time I go I enjoy it more and I'm more keen to go back. The place is awesome, the climbing is perfect for me but it's the people on these trips that really make it memorable. The scene there is like nothing I've seen before, utterly unique.........
The Team at Fairhead shortly before heading for the Athletes dinner of Fish, chips and lager.....

Revenge of the Fallen

Today I managed a new route at my old haunt, The Quadrocks. I had noticed it last night while belaying friends on one of my routes on the main face. Early today Hector and myself headed up before the heat of the day really kicked in, even with factor 50+ I'm still burnt.I took a few shots on top rope then decided to go for it as it was getting ultra warm.The line goes up the right side of the existing E3 route The Arete and I graded it E3 5c.
Last of the hard moves on first ascent of 'Revenge of the Fallen'

Cheers to Hector for belaying and taking the pics.

Recce to the Mournes

On Friday afternoon I Arrived in Belfast on a long awaited return trip to the Mournes. I had been speaking to Ricky Bell for a while about getting over but never got round to it but after recently re-watching Underdeveloped I became very psyched to try Crystal Methods (an E8 solo) with the mindset that I will quit soloing after it. However I couldn't do the crux move on the route and decided not to bother on the day. Ricky pointed me at a fantastic E7 which will definitely go in better conditions, I then tried a brutal E8 6c which I think could be the route where I find both my mental and physical limits. I did all the separate moves on top rope but not strong enough to link it all yet.

The scene in Northern Ireland is amazing, that in itself has me very keen to get back, the guys there have a real passion for their mountains.
Looking over to Binnian, The Mournes

I have 2 months off from working at Nevisport and I hope to really push myself in that time to a whole new level.Just ordered 100m of static to go check some big new projects which should be interesting, not looking forward to carrying all that kit on a still fragile ankle though................

The Real Fear

Just a quick last minute update. I'm doing a talk at Dumbarton Library tomorrow night at 7.30 and it's terrifying me................................

Snakes & Ladders

I've realised in the last few days that I'm back to the place I was in a few years ago. I really thought I was near the place where I could stop soloing and settle down a bit but after the fall I need to rebuild my confidence and I've had to start almost from scratch, I can only describe it as feeling like landing on 99 in a game of Snakes and Ladders and shooting all the way down to the start.

I had the chance to settle into a nice relationship and possibly be happy but I knew what I'm going to have to put myself through to get back to a place in my climbing that I'm satisfied and it leaves me no room for anything else, I could've accepted the happiness and comfort offered, I wanted to but my drive wouldn't let me. Another terrible choice to make, I make the selfish choice and battle the rising regret.The choice leaves me feeling lonely and hurt but I know that's what I need to commit properly to playing the game again.

I headed up the Glen tonight to get back on an E4 that I'd done last year. I decided it would be a good solo and my friend Miriam came along to take some shots. I did it once on my shunt and decided to pull the rope and ready for the solo. As I tried to get my head in gear I almost began to question whether this was what I wanted anymore but as I looked up the route and knew how soloing it would make me feel the doubt began to dwindle. I needed to get my act together, stop being weak and just do it. The feelings of anger and self hate always help in this situation. Time to do it................
Soloing Fingertip Finale E4, Glen Nevis, just after the crux

The higher I climbed and more committed to the route I was the happier I became. I hate what I have to do to be capable of this but how it makes me feel is very much worth it. I know I'm now looking at a lot of suffering to get to a place I can finally feel peace but I also know it must be what I'm actually meant to do because of what I'm willing to let go to do it.

Near the top out

The Auld Triangle

I eventually got back to proper climbing on Saturday and back to the old familiar feelings of fear, commitment and relief.

FEAR:- Going back to soloing I had to deal with my fear after the fall. I knew I had to do this as soon as possible as I was beginning to wonder if I'd lost my bottle and without that I know I couldn't climb well. As I was psyching up for the solo I had a flashback to the fall and it was a real mental battle to erase that image from my mind but good mental exercise...........

Dealing with the fear and flashback

COMMITMENT:- I know I couldn't have walked away from trying this route again, I knew I had to totally commit myself to doing it, no matter the outcome I had to at least try. I had to go back to almost the darkest days of my life to find the level of motivation I need to take risks. I have to remember that I cant care more about dying than living, if I had just went home and decided to never climb solo etc again I wouldn't really be living. I consider myself very lucky get this from climbing, that I've discovered something I consider to be worth taking such risks for. So I got on the route and climbed nervously to just before the crux, I could change my mind at this point, I'm shaking, I'm beginning to doubt myself, I feel sick, my stomach churns and my hands have cold sweat. I really begin to do battle with myself and I realise if I bottle it now I may never manage to fully get back into the game. I commit and it goes smoothly...........
Just after the crux move on the Arete E3, Quadrocks, Largs

RELIEF:-As you can visibly see in the pic below I'm relieved to have made it. I cant even really remember pausing here my mind was racing with so many emotions. I feel so glad to be back in the game now, to know I still have the mental reserve to solo and to once again have the feeling of contentment that only climbing now gives me.
I doubt I could explain correctly just how I feel in this pic