Thursday, 25 February 2010

Walking Away

I received a call from a friend of many years the other day and they were going on about me being the only one of our old team of mates who isn't yet settled down into relationship, steady career etc and that I'm 31 and simply renting a room to allow me to go climbing. They also stated that I'm "a ruthless, self-centered and heartless b*****d". I guess sometimes I am but wouldn't have been able to sacrifice what I have without being these things. There are things I miss a lot like nights out with the lads.

The Lads before a wedding reception

Theres also the sacrificing of love to allow me to pursue my selfish ambitions. The night I walked away from her is the best example of my realising how far I was willing to go and how much I'm willing to cut away to have an uncluttered life.

I was due to leave town on an extended climing trip and I met her the night before I left while in the pub with the boys, she asks me to walk her home and I cant say no to her as at the time I was foolishly blinded by my love for her. We have said our goodbyes a few times in the past but this night felt different, more of an air of finality. We stand in the pouring rain and tell each other that we both love each other but she is with someone and she gets something from him that I cannot promise her, he will always be around and I will not, she knows this.She has bore witness to my ruthless committment to climbing before and she knows that no matter what I will still walk away from her before I would quit climbing, which she deserves.

We continue talking about our intense feelings for each other then a voice in my head tells me to do her a favour and walk right at that moment. I feel an all to familiar coldness fill me and darken my thoughts. I lie to her to make it easier for her, I see tears begin to well in her eyes, shes been here before and knows it isn't good. I hate myself for what I'm about to do, I tell her a hurtful lie and say that I'm cutting her out my life, climbing means more and by the time I get home I'll have begun to forget her and my feelings. I convince myself that in the long run I'm doing her a favour in making her hate me and if she does I can use it to push myself in a cathartic sense. I didn't know that this decision would screw my head up to a very dangerous point and end me in a very very dark place that I was lucky to get back from.

Back on the street she asks how I can do this, I tell her that I simply have to and its not a problem, this statement cuts into both of us deeply. At this point we decide to go our separate ways and just as I go to walk away she gives me a look that will never leave or cease to hurt me, then she softly kisses me, I turn and walk away and dont look back. I almost break down, I almost throw up.............But I dont

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