Walking Away

I received a call from a friend of many years the other day and they were going on about me being the only one of our old team of mates who isn't yet settled down into relationship, steady career etc and that I'm 31 and simply renting a room to allow me to go climbing. They also stated that I'm "a ruthless, self-centered and heartless b*****d". I guess sometimes I am but wouldn't have been able to sacrifice what I have without being these things. There are things I miss a lot like nights out with the lads.

The Lads before a wedding reception

Theres also the sacrificing of love to allow me to pursue my selfish ambitions. The night I walked away from her is the best example of my realising how far I was willing to go and how much I'm willing to cut away to have an uncluttered life.

I was due to leave town on an extended climing trip and I met her the night before I left while in the pub with the boys, she asks me to walk her home and I cant say no to her as at the time I was foolishly blinded by my love for her. We have said our goodbyes a few times in the past but this night felt different, more of an air of finality. We stand in the pouring rain and tell each other that we both love each other but she is with someone and she gets something from him that I cannot promise her, he will always be around and I will not, she knows this.She has bore witness to my ruthless committment to climbing before and she knows that no matter what I will still walk away from her before I would quit climbing, which she deserves.

We continue talking about our intense feelings for each other then a voice in my head tells me to do her a favour and walk right at that moment. I feel an all to familiar coldness fill me and darken my thoughts. I lie to her to make it easier for her, I see tears begin to well in her eyes, shes been here before and knows it isn't good. I hate myself for what I'm about to do, I tell her a hurtful lie and say that I'm cutting her out my life, climbing means more and by the time I get home I'll have begun to forget her and my feelings. I convince myself that in the long run I'm doing her a favour in making her hate me and if she does I can use it to push myself in a cathartic sense. I didn't know that this decision would screw my head up to a very dangerous point and end me in a very very dark place that I was lucky to get back from.

Back on the street she asks how I can do this, I tell her that I simply have to and its not a problem, this statement cuts into both of us deeply. At this point we decide to go our separate ways and just as I go to walk away she gives me a look that will never leave or cease to hurt me, then she softly kisses me, I turn and walk away and dont look back. I almost break down, I almost throw up.............But I dont

Past Week

The past week has been a real rollercoaster of 'emotions'. It started last Saturday at the Fort William Film Festival and Diffs entertaining lecture "Climbers I've Shot and Some I'd Like To Shoot" which was followed by a showing of Single Handed. I had to do a short Q&A with Diff afterwards and as usual I was pretty nervous, made even more so by the presense of the legendary Jimmy Marshall and his family. Speaking to Jimmy on the Sunday he told me to stop the dry tool soloing as it was 'dangerous', this after having watched him on the terryfying looking second ascent of Yo-Yo. A review of the festival here http://www.planetfear.com/articles/Fort_William_Mountain_Festival_2010_1090.html

Then it was an appointment at the Sports Injuries clinic on Wednesday to see if they had another opinion. The doctor hardly had to look to be able to tell me my foot is actually broken. CT scan on Thursday and phonecall on Friday confirmed my worst fears, my foot is badly fractured and I'm going to get an operation to put screws in my foot, gutted and angry that I've wasted almost two months pointlessly trying to recover.

Gaz arrived late on Friday for a weeks climbing and I decided that as my foot is knackered anyway I would try at least get to the CIC icefalls. Early start on Saturday morn saw Gaz, a hungover Kaye and myself stumbling up from the North Face carpark.

Kaye walking towards the cascades on the right as the sun crests the Carn Mor Dearg

As I walked in I realised just how much I have been missing the mountains.As we arrived at the crag we decided that Gaz would lead the first route and I would climb up alongside Kaye on her first ice climb. As kaye and I geared up to follow Gaz I went to put on my prosthetic and it broke, I couldn't believe it and what I felt transcended anger. However Kaye took off and dispatched the route no problem.


Kaye and Gaz return from the route

Kaye and I on the way out

On the way back out I ended up in pretty severe pain, to the point I was sweating due to it, Gaz got lumbered with my pack for the last steeper section. As usual though dinner and a pint at Nevisport was all the 1st aid I needed. It was a stunning day to be out on the hill and its always good to be there when people do things for the first time. Now its just a waiting game to see when I get the operation....................

More Film Stuff

First up is the new yearbook from Stone Country.An awesome book packed with brilliant photos, guaranteed to get you psyched and in which they awarded 'Single Handed' film of the year!!!

Check it out here:-http://stonecountry.blogspot.com/


Next are a couple of other reviews for the MSMD DVD:-
http://www.ukclimbing.com/gear/review.php?id=2367

http://www.calmandfearless.com/reviews/film/monkey-see-monkey-do_1