Kev Shields Climbing

Op Done

2012-01-09T02:14:00.000-08:00

On Saturday morning I eventually had surgery on my mashed ankle. The surgeon I ended up getting decided that full fusion was overkill for the time being so they removed the broken floating shards etc which means I'm looking at roughly 2 weeks in a cast and not 2 months.It also means I'll be back to climbing quicker. It means more surgery and pain in the future but that's the futures problem.

Missing days out at the crag and the shared banter and risk- Pic-Dorota Bankowska

In the time I've had off from climbing at my limits a small part of me began to ask whether I should continue to take high risks on a regular basis, I decided to let life make the decision for me and see what direction a few specific things took. For a short time I saw a different lifestyle, one I thought I was looking for to save me from myself. But when I shone the brutal light of reality on it it disappeared and I see that no matter what comes along I'm staying on this path that I took a long time ago. It used to scare/depress me when I saw my life like this but as I learn more about myself from climbing I see it's actually a positive to get rid of the false hopes which can really bring you down and embrace reality.

Impatient Patient

2011-12-17T08:42:00.000-08:00

Having had enough of pissing around in Dalry waiting for the NHS to actually do my ankle op I decided I would need to get some hill time before my tenuous grip on sanity totally slipped. Dave had called saying he had some ideas for routes to look at, even if I didn't do any technical climbing I was psyched just to be out in the mountains. So on Friday morning we headed out for Dave to try a new mega hard project.

On the walk in...

Thankfully Dave and Blair had walked in here the day before and no trail breaking was necessary. We moved at a good steady speed, not too much pain in my ankle which was a relief. We arrived at the crag in stunning conditions, blue skies, not much wind, good ice and snow covered mountains as far as I could see, brilliant.

Dave focussed and ready to give his project another try.

Five hours later my ankle was in agony, the pain creeping into knees and hips from compensation, feet and hands frozen but I was still happier up there than I have been in weeks. Dave asked me if I wanted a try on the project but after watching him fight it and in my current state I declined.

On the walk out, tired but happy

Testing, Testing

2011-11-25T11:31:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday morning I made an early start to head to Newtyle Quarry. I had new prosthetics to try out that had recently been fitted to my new Petzl Nomics and a new pair of Lowa Ice Comp boots to use. There was a good team at the cave, Greg , Mike, James, Fiona and Alan so there was plenty of psyche and some inspiring efforts from the guys on their respective projects. All went well on the kit front, thankfully!!

Testing my new toys on Fast & Furious, Photo-Alan Fox

I stayed at friends in Fort William that night as I'm now living full time back in Ayrshire for my ankle op soon. Was good to catch up with everyone. Next morning it was a quick training session with Connor and Will then a bit of house hunting for my eventual move back to the Fort but unfortunately the place I viewed had less appeal as a home than some of the dens we made as kids, in fact I'm sure I've built gang huts more structurally sound!

Bit of training in Big Al's basement...........

REACH @ Ratho

2011-10-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I was at Ratho to team up with Pauline and around 40 kids from the charity REACH which is for kids with Upper Limb Deficiencies. We only had an hour with each party of 20 and all the work was done by Ratho instructors, my job was basically to speak to the kids and try give them an idea of what climbing with a similar disability is like and try give some feedback. Some of them were very inspiring and determined. Yet some had very obviously had extremely sheltered lives and were convinced they weren't capable, one lad in particular stood out and after a fair bit of gentle encouragement by 3 of us he eventually tied in and gave it his best shot. It would've been great to have had more time to work with the group as it was an interesting challenge not just with the varying physical capabilities but also on how getting past the confidence issues some of the kids had.

Good Work

2011-10-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

Had a bit of a busy stint there with various bits of cool work. First up was two days of setting routes at the Ice Factor. It was a lot of graft for the team of us and stressful for the staff as the ice wall had melted after a client burst a pipe that was part of the cooling system with his axe. We got it all set though and by the sounds of it it was a successful day as this years STS kicked off.

Trying to figure out a good finals route

On Saturday morning it was off to the Peak district to work for Mammut. The plan was to team up with photographer Dan Lane http://www.danlanephotography.com/ and for me to solo an E5 that I'm keen for but pissing rain put paid to that idea. Instead I hung around Outsides shop in Hathersage blethering to the staff, drinking tea and getting nervous. The room rapidly filled up though when they opened the doors and it was straight into the talk.

Talking about Ireland- Pic- Dan Lane

The talk went smoothly and afterwards there was plenty of questions, all in all a good night.

Professional to the end, drinking Mammuts 'Tusk Ale' in the street , classy!! Pic- Dan Lane

Outside Talk

2011-10-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

For those reading this around the Peak on Saturday 8th of Oct Ian Parnell and myself are doing free lectures in Outside Hathersage. Theres lots of give aways and raffle stuff to be won, be good to see some of you there!!

http://www.outside.co.uk/latest/news/Get-Ready-For-Winter!

New Low

2011-09-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

I've been told for a while now that my writing is pretty honest so in this post I'll continue that and try give you an idea of what I've experienced in the last two days. If you've been following this blog you will know I've been attempting to climb an E8 in the Mournes for around 18 months and had no luck. I've poured my life and soul into these 20m of rock and even for someone like me it's been a brutal emotional rollercoaster. In the past when I've been going at risky routes I've always been fairly certain I would not only survive them but survive them unbroken but on this I had no such confidence, with this project I had to accept that I wouldn't have as good a chance. I did accept it ,no question but it has made me live my life not knowing from one day to the next where I'll be or what state I'll be in and it has wore on me. I can deal with it, only just though, as I deserve whatever happens as it's my own choosing to live this life, what I cannot accept is that it's affecting others around me. It rained on us again the other day and my frustration began to boil over and someone else felt it, they shouldn't have and I hated myself for it, failure to climb was nothing on the disappointment in myself at losing control of emotion and venting at someone who didn't deserve it.

Seriously pissed off, I'm making one of the toughest decisions of my life here. Pic-Suzy Devey

We have been in the Mournes for the last few days, I got ten minutes on the route, on a shunt, in the rain. I tried to climb, I fell, I swore, I hung on the rope, I knew I was beat and it was time to do the one thing I'm good at, cut away. I stood for a while before deciding , then I went and packed up. On the way up I could hear the guys chatting and having a laugh, at that moment I realised how detached I was from not only them but how I felt distant from me. I took off for the walk out at a blistering pace to try use physical pain to distract me from the utter mental torment I was feeling. I stopped on top of a huge cliff realising that no matter how hard I push I'm not going to get this out my system, I felt more empty and alone at this point than I have at any other point in my life, with nothing to cushion the blow of utter failure or anyone to take comfort from I felt physically sick. I've sacrificed everything in my life for climbing to such an extent that the pathetically sad truth is that the only place I now find solace is in climbing, this is an outcome I tried very hard to avoid but seemed somehow inevitable!I've been in darker depths before though so I'm sure I'll beat it again, it'll just take time. We tried to do some filming afterward to get my raw feelings on camera but even for those present who know me it seemed too much yet it wasn't even a fraction of how I felt, and this post barely scratches the surface. To end on a positive though I've got a few great projects in mind before the op in November and a weekend of drinking with my mates to kick me out of wallowing in my swamp of self pity, I guess I just need to man up, treat the last 18 months like a broken relationship, remember the good parts and get rid of the rest! I've met some great people in the last few months and built a few important friendships so it's not all bad!!

No Going Back?

2011-09-06T09:48:00.001-07:00

" Fancy thinking the Beast was something you could hunt and kill!........You knew didn't you? I'm part of you?Close, close, close! I'm the reason why it's no go. Why things are what they are."

William Golding

Lord of the Flies

I came across this quote the other day and it sums up rather well my failed borderline schizophrenic attempts to quit high risk climbing. Hopefully this post will explain where my head is at before this climb and what lead me here. I'm also hoping that writing about it will be personally cathartic and clear some headspace!

The 'Beast' mentioned in the quote above I relate to the inner demon that drives my climbing and risk taking. I wish it was the inspirational motivation that people think it it is but it sure aint. It controls most of my major decisions and terrifies me with its power to do so. On one side I hate and fear it but on the other I love and respect it, it's tough to balance between them. Going too far in one direction means depression and darkness and the other in a frenzy of dangerous climbing like soloing F&F or gaining grades solo and quickly.

This face somewhat sums up my minds reaction to quitting, basically saying "F**k Off"

I had genuinely thought I was past all this but after the fall I knew I would have to prove to myself I still had bottle and the only way to do that would be to come back and improve on what I have done before. Since the fall I've had a chance at a couple of relationships which is what I thought I wanted but the drive to climb hard again beat any prospect of that and once again emotions were swept ruthlessly aside to make way for climbing. I don't understand why I couldn't just be happy with surviving the fall and all my solos and just settle down, no point dwelling on that stuff though.

Totally entranced with the moves on Tolerance - Pic- Suzy Devey

It's been over a year and a half since the fall and since I managed back on my feet almost every waking moment has been gearing toward what I hope will happen next week, success on E8. These 20 metres of rock have dominated everything for that time, nothing else has particularly mattered and it makes me see how selfish I've become so perhaps it's time to utter the words "I'm quitting after this one" once again only to realise that people are right and as one writer put it "climbing for Kev is an irreversible decision", perhaps there is no going back now? But then with my date for my operation confirmed for 30th of November I don't really have much choice in the matter of stopping for the majority of next year, time to stock up on box sets again!!

Pints Help Climbing-Fact

2011-09-05T02:03:00.000-07:00

Last week I was in Ayrshire to catch up with mates and sadly trade in my beloved Astra, like waving goodbye to my youth. On the Sunday while having dinner watching 'The Wildest Dream' I was summoned to my local pub The Black Bull by Fiona, Kenny the Publicans wife. After a few pints we were discussing the financial aspect of my upcoming trip to Ireland, Fiona found it hard to believe that as a sponsored climber I don't really make any money whatsoever from the game.

The magical power of the pint prevails

Finding this crazy she immediately offered to put £500 from her own company http://www.thepromotionalchocolatecompany.co.uk/ , she asked if this would help as I tried not to splutter into my pint. I wasn't even going to go for a drink that night but I'm glad I did as Fionas kindness has taken a considerable amount of pressure off us for this trip, Cheers Fiona........................

Head Games

2011-09-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

Today I was back at my old stomping ground , Quadrocks, Largs, to see how my head space was for getting on route's that I cannot afford to make mistakes on. I teamed up with Al (climbing partner for impending trip to Mournes) Alan Fox (photographer) and my mates Tam and Alec. The banter was good and the conditions fine for a spot of mid grade soloing. With my promise to myself and a few close others to stop soloing broken I set off up The Arete, E3 for my first route of the day and climbed in a focus induced trance like state floating up the moves, this was exactly what I needed to feel.

On The Arete, E3, Quadrocks, Largs. Pic-Alan Fox

Next up was one of my own routes there, Fatal Kiss E4 6a. I haven't soloed this one in a few years but after top roping it to remember the moves I felt very comfortable relaxing on even the sketchy crux move. Bit more physical and mental prep to go yet though before the trip in just over a week!!
After the hard moves on Fatal Kiss, E4 6a, Quadrocks - Pic- Alan Fox

More hill time

2011-08-29T01:32:00.000-07:00

On Thursday Glenda and I headed up Sgurr Mhaim expecting a miserable day with the forecast but instead were greeted with stunning views in almost every direction, one of those days you just don't want to come off the hill.

Glenda and I on the summit of Sgurr Mhaim

On the ridge to the descent path

Yesterday it was time to keep a promise and go on a Ben Nevis litter pick arranged by my friend Sarah who is a Conservation Officer for the John Muir Trust http://www.jmt.org/ . We headed to the summit in less than pleasant conditions, if you want to test your faith in humanity just go for a walk up the tourist path on a busy day. We lifted a large amount of rubbish considering there had been a pick just the other week, roughly 7 of the bags were full of banana skins which are becoming a real issue on the Ben. Off to Ice Factor now for another training session!

Work party on the descent, that's some of the rubbish bags we collected

Hill Days

2011-08-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

The other day I got word about my operation definitely being in November. Facing a move back to Ayrshire for a stint and having to be inactive for a while has re-awoken the demon and my normal drive to be in the mountains is in high gear. With this in mind and a decent forecast Suzy and I headed for the Buachaille on Wednesday. We decided on North Buttress, probably one of my favourite mountain days and apart from us getting mauled by the midge it was a brilliant day finished off nicely in the Clachaig!!

Suzy on the Buttress with Kingshouse and Rannoch Moor behind

Us on the summit after an epic trying to work timer and balance my camera

Yesterday it was up to the Cobbler with Hector to work on a new route and check some other stuff. My ankle and knees hurt but with an impending feeling of time running out I felt I couldn't waste good weather. So we battered up checked some lines for the future then headed up the ridge to the South then Central peak which is a good scramble. Another clear day in the mountains, superb. On the way home we had dinner at Ben Arthurs Bothy, I then stopped to see my Gran & Grandpa who served up Mince and Tatties, then to Dalry where my Mum served up Bacon rolls, 3 dinners in 3 hours is a record even for me!

Hector at the Narnain Boulders with Cobbler in background

I've been on Central Peak of the Cobbler dozens of times and this is the first time I've had someone take the 'classic' shot, great place to be.

Social Climbing

2011-08-07T02:39:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I teamed up with my mate Fran to do some Multi Pitch on Rannoch Wall for his MIA logbook.Also there was photographer Alan Fox. On the way up we passed a few parties on Curved Ridge and chatted to the Guides I knew. On arrival at the wall we got the guidebook out and had some lunch. After a blether with Gary Latter Fran decided on Grooved Arete, this was my second multi pitch route, climbed almost 10 years ago, I remembered the day clearly but not all of the route. There was quite a few folk at the base of the climb and as Fran set off I spoke with them, then Jenny and Karen arrived for Grooved Arete too, the day continued to be social all the way home, meeting various people we knew. I had planned on fulfilling an ambition to solo something on the wall but with there being so many people around I didn't feel comfortable doing that, Foxy had carried 100m of static up for nothing in the end!!

On Grooved Arete, Buachaille Etive Mor, Glencoe with Fran, Photo-Alan Fox

We were almost in Ireland this weekend but the weather beat us once again. Other than that I've just been training, managed a run the other day and absolutely loved every second of it the pain since has been bad but it was worth it.

Tower Ridge

2011-07-28T03:25:00.001-07:00

I'd promised Kaye a while back I'd take her up Tower Ridge on the Ben so with the forecast being good we headed up yesterday. The walk in was brutally warm for a pasty ginge like myself and I had to drink plenty. As we arrived on the ridge proper Kaye announced that she was running out of water and I had to begin considering retreat or dehydration, at that point she said she could only get water by tilting her pack to get water from her Camelbak, turns out it was upside down, cue plenty of abuse.

Kaye scrambling up with Observatory Gully below

Starting onto the Eastern Traverse

At the top of the ridge

The views all day yesterday were utterly stunning, I feel so privileged to stay in such a beautiful place and be capable of going out and appreciating it in the way I do...........

Regaining Fitness

2011-07-25T01:29:00.001-07:00

After 3 weeks of constant illness and ankle pain I had severe cabin fever and a hefty feeling of generally being unfit so it was time to get out on the hills. Last Saturday Johann and I had another MIA training day in Glencoe, Lagangarbh Buttress is a great scramble even when done in pouring rain and clouds of midges.

Johann looking psyched for the route!!

During the week it was down to Arran to meet up with Craig and hit the amazing hills there. We steamed up Glen Sannox and onto the Saddle in rather minging conditions, even stopping for one minute guaranteed a feeding frenzy for the midges. From there it was up Cir Mhor, Caisteal then onto the Witches step which was a greasy mess. After that it was plain sailing apart from a bit of ankle pain on descent.

Near summit on Cir Mhor

Dropping briefly out of cloud, Craig looking over Firth of Clyde

On Saturday Ross, Danny and myself left Dalry at 6 in the morning and headed for Cruach Ardrain just outside Crainlarich. It was a bit of a boggy slog but well and truly worth it, from the summit we had clear views to Arran to the South and Glencoe and the Ben to the North, I don't think I've ever been out in clearer conditions.
Danny and Ross on the summit

Feeling a good bit better, another part of the jigsaw in place for Ireland!!

Ben Nevis Film

2011-07-25T01:02:00.000-07:00

Back in April Johann, Dot and myself met up with Kate and Ezra from Bangor University to work on part of a film they were making about different facets of life on Ben Nevis. I think the finished article is really well made and will definitely make you want to get out there, judge for yourself here though : http://vimeo.com/25178734

Johann and myself talking about the route while Kate does sound check. Pic- Dorota Bankowska

Good from Bad

2011-07-11T03:01:00.000-07:00

In the past month or so the pain in my ankle has taken a real step up. Causing me to lose even more sleep than usual which aint good for my epilepsy. I thought it was time to get put on the waiting list for the fusion operation so I duly called the hospital the other day and it looks like I'll be in around Christmas time for the op. In a way it's good to have these time pressures as I've been able to clearly set two major goals to train for and hopefully achieve before the op. One is obviously the E8 project and the other to eventually climb the Cathedral after so many years of trying. At the moment though I feel I'm starting from scratch after losing half a stone rapidly after the worst stomach upset I've ever had.

If I'm successful at climbing these I'm hoping to use the op as an opportunity to change the direction of my climbing from purely technical to more mountaineering as ,let's face it, I feel I have almost found the limits of what is possible with my disability, though I did say that at E3. Also if I can somewhat change direction to mountaineering I'm hoping it will help me maintain my decision to quit soloing. I've been playing that game for 10 years now and took my share of chances and had a few close calls so it's time to heed the warnings of my mentors and walk away while it's still my choice, if I can. Ironically in the months to come I'll need to be more dedicated than ever to my climbing if I'm to go for this operation feeling relaxed!!

No Rain??

2011-06-13T02:58:00.001-07:00

With a decent forecast it was time to get out and make the most of it over the weekend.On Friday Michelle took me for my first paddle, 26k down a river near Beauly. It was good to try a different sport and see the area from a different perspective.

View from the kayak

In the gorge near the end of the day

After paddling it was a busy drive back to the Fort through holiday traffic and home to have a BBQ, cool way to end the day!

Johann, Suzy, Kieran, Sarah and myself before copious amounts of alcohol were consumed!!

Rested up for most of Saturday between hangover, the heat and left hand being sore from paddling then went up the Glen to check out a line. Sitting up there chilling out on my own is a great way to relax and get focused.

On Sunday it was up onto Tower Ridge with Craig. The only other people on the North Face were a party on Observatory Ridge and a worried soloist who caught us at Tower Gap and we roped across.

Quick piece break before heading to the Eastern Traverse

Craig scoping the Gap before the soloist appeared

After we got down the weather was still holding so it was up to Sheepfank Wall to get on the E3 I was psyched for. Suzy was keen to come up and get some pictures. I had tried this route before but couldn't get my left thumb to hold the crux in the heat. Last night was cooler and with a breeze to keep the midges at bay it was perfect.

Approaching the hard sequence - Pic - Suzy Devey

It was good to get back on a fairly bold route to make sure my mind hadn't been affected by falling last week. In a strange way I feel more comfortable since it happened. I do not know why this is. My left foot slipped at one point but I felt no worry and simply climbed on like it hadn't happened which is good for my head.

In the middle of the crux - Pic - Suzy devey

Another Tumble

2011-06-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

Having been up the Glen scouting for routes with Suzy the other day I'm still mega keen on finding projects to work at here so when Dave called yesterday to see if I fancied a blast to Polldubh to have a go at some stuff I thought it was a good idea. We headed up in the afternoon, Dave onsighted Black Friday then we went to Road Buttress to have a look around. After finding a relatively dry route I proceeded to try it while on 3 'bomber' cams. I rested with my feet at around 10ft (maximum) when suddenly the first 2 cams ripped, that familiar and horrendous noise of ripping gear, the feeling of plummeting, enough time to wonder if the next cam will hold, realising it hasn't, the stomach churning noise as I hit the ground in a lying down position, the pain of being winded, then turning and in what must have been a split second seeing Daves legs in the air (knew there was something wrong at that point) and the rope speeding away, grab the rope, Dave runs up to check I'm okay, we laugh a lot, me because I'm glad I'm not badly injured, Dave probably because he's glad he doesn't need to carry me out the Glen ,again.

Stunning sky on the descent from the Ben

I got home around 5 and decided I was fine to carry on with my plan of meeting Johann and heading up the Ben. We battered up to Castle Ridge at a fair old pace and did the supposedly more interesting start, not one I'd recommend, on the way down I started to feel a bit iffy but simply put it down to an adrenalin come down. Got up feeling really ill this morning and spent most of my day in A&E, the outcome being I have concussion, few days off then I had better get back to it as I cannot afford to be scared in the build up to Tolerance!!

Focus

2011-05-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

Since the fall last year I knew I was going to have to come back to climbing and try better my E7 effort. I was almost happy to leave things at this level but I knew after the accident if I wanted to lay down the demon of fear I would have to push on further than before. I didn't realise at the time how much farther this would take me. Since I got back on my feet and back to the crags my whole life has been devoted to trying to find an E8 I could potentially climb. I have trained harder than ever and simplified my life even more by cutting more away, to the point I now think I have nothing more to be rid of, people, possessions etc! At times it is difficult keeping focused though and I have hated myself on more than one occasion for lack of discipline, a recent example being a near descent back to borderline alcoholism. Disgusted with my weakness I have poured everything into getting this E8 in the bag. What's really important to yourself becomes increasingly clearer in the build up to these moments in life, for me only having those and that which are truly important is the only way for me to safely (relatively) continue to live this way. Not as easy as it sounds unfortunately, it's a hard balancing act.

Focus as it should be if I was a Zen master

Focus as it more realistically is in my life!!

The physical side of this focus is easy, it's the mental side I find really taking it's toll, no sleep, no focus in any other aspect of my life, the usual but magnified. I've been on four specific trips to Ireland now to climb Tolerance and had to cancel many more at the last minute due to weather. I think it's because I feel for the first time I'm truly pushing myself hard and not just pushing my luck, though there's still a large element of that. In the past when I've done harder things there's a good percentage in my favour but now it's maybe beginning to tip away from 50/50. Risk etc are things I can deal with, what's really getting to me is building up to going at this route then stepping down again when the weather craps out. If it was safe I'd be happy to remain patient but when I'm having to talk myself into accepting the potential cost of my actions and get into the frame of mind to take big risks but then have no outlet for it and have to re-adjust to normality is doing my head in. i really need to dump this demon...............

Scottish Summer

2011-05-22T10:42:00.001-07:00

Headed down to the Buachaille again today for Johann to log more scrambling days for an upcoming assessment. We saw the forecast but thought we would go have a look anyway. We arrived in fairly okay weather so decided it was worth a try, probably through desperation to climb on rock again as it's pissed down relentlessly for 3 weeks now!

Trying to keep a sense of humour at the base of Broad Buttress while eating a soggy bagel!!

Sense of humour failing in strong wind, hail and sleet, at least it keeps the midges away!

Johann laughing at the ridiculousness of our summer weather. 5 minutes after this we had to crawl to the ridge as the wind was ferocious and kept knocking us over, good times!! It's to be worse tomorrow (130mph apparently) day at the Ice Factor I think?

Filming, fun & progress

2011-04-30T04:44:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday night after work I headed up the Glen again to do some film with Kate & Ezra, students in Documentary film making. I had agreed to do some climbing for a film they were doing about life around the Ben. So for scenery and a quality route we headed to Scimitar. I soloed the E4 there again which never fails to make me feel good!

Sorting gear before the crag- Pic- Dorota Bankowska

Soloing Fingertip Finale - Pic- Dorota Bankowska

When its been too warm for climbing we've been going up and jumping off Lower Falls which is a great way to freshen up after a day in the shop, or even during it, we jumped on our lunch hour last week.

Kieran in mid somersault at the Falls! Pic - Kaye Black

On Friday to avoid the Royal Wedding crap I met up with 3 mates in the Coe and we headed up North Buttress on the Buachaille. It's the first time I've stood on top of a Munro since the accident and I felt utterly alive during and after. Good to climb with friends I haven't seen for a while too!

Alec, Tam and Neil on the summit of the Buachaille!

Bad Life Choices

2011-04-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

Heres a link to a short vid of our day on Saturday, including Johanns first ascent of Bad Life Choices! Edited up by Gee!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQzdSMRmydw&feature=share

Sends in the Glen

2011-04-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

It was back up the Glen yesterday with Gee and Johann who were both keen to send their projects. For Johann it was his new route at Upper Scimitar and for Gee it was Fingertip Finale, E4 solo!

The route at Upper Scimitar was pointed out to me over a year ago by Mark McGowan and was beyond what I'm capable of so Johann has been trying it since and it finally went yesterday!

Johann getting prepped for his solo

Johann on first ascent of 'Bad life choices' E7 6b

At the top, I think he was chuffed

Next up was Gee on Fingertip Finale. He had been looking at this line since doing his E5 the other week so he was psyched after watching Johann to get his route done!

Gee visualising the moves, simples!!

Just finishing the crux, not sure the mats would have done much for him at this point!

After the climbing we finished the day by jumping off Lower Falls into a surprisingly warm River Nevis and then to the Achintee for a pint in the beer garden, spot on...............

It Begins

2011-03-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

I've been trying a route at the Quadrocks for around 3 years now and went back this week hoping to make progress on it after all the improvement I've seen in my training recently, unfortunately my climbing doesn't always work like this and my last project at this great little crag will need to be climbed by someone else. Dot came down the following day and it was summer conditions and we worked our way through the best of my new routes down there and I picked up a nice sunburn! A lot of people slag the Quadrocks but its great climbing and there aren't many crags afford such a stunning panorama, from Ailsa Craig in the South , over to Arran etc and North to the Arrochar Alps! Dot took some pics, in fact she took all the pics in this post!

Looking to Wee Cumbrae and Hunterson from the Quadrocks

Yesterday it was back up the Glen to get some stuff done before the rain arrived, a good team gathered at an ongoing project of Johanns (new route). He linked it yesterday for the first time and with all the right ingredients for an attempt coming together he decided in a gutsy move to go for it! It's potentially E7 6b with no gear on tiny edges and smears. He went for it and made good progress before it went a bit iffy at the crux and made the wise decision to jump for the mats a few metres below rather than likely falling uncontrollably from further up. It was a stand out attempt in both the gutsy and technical standards, in my opinion anyway!! Continuing the momentum Gee led his first E5, the solo Where The Mood Takes Me was my first E5 and is a cracking wee climb!

Johann on the route

Johann off the route

The team, L-R-Gee, Alex, myself, Dave, Johann

We then headed up to Blacks Buttress where I got on Centrepiece on top rope but it started raining so time to call it a day and return soon!!Thanks to Dot for the photos!!

Trying Centrepiece

Paying The Price

2011-02-23T11:25:00.001-08:00

I've spent the last three days recovering from a monster hangover by training down the Ice Factor. The reason for my drinking binge was getting the news from the foot specialist that they have to fuse my ankle which will have a fairly major impact on all aspects of my life. I always knew there would be a cost for the things I've gotten from climbing and gotten away with. I just figured the price I had paid in giving up financial security and walking away from those I cared for was enough.

The Doctors told me a while back that life wouldn't be the same for me again, the pain would get extremely bad with arthritis and I wouldn't climb at the same level again. I reckon they are wrong though, I may have to accept that I'll be limited in volume of climbing, hill days etc but if can work it right there's no reason I cant climb harder than I did before, I just need to train harder and get out on good quality days , simple...............

This picture typifies what it is like inside my head most days at the moment

I simply need to get through the next year or two between operations, recovery etc and squeeze as much life as I can out of the time that I have on my feet. It's almost a good thing to feel on such limited time as I'm really pushing my training and hoping to reap the benefits soon.............

Training etc

2011-02-14T01:04:00.000-08:00

Recently it's became very apparent that everytime I get on the hill my ankle is getting worse so I've been trying to limit myself to good weather days to get on winter lines and to still leave enough to hopefully get up the Mournes a few times before the foot totally packs in. I've never been one for training for rock climbing but now I'm looking at trying my first E8 that has all changed, I've started to get really into my training at the Ice Factor and really enjoying seeing progress.

Bouldering at my wall.......Pic- Suzy Devey

I Have an appointment in Glasgow this Thursday with an ankle specialist who will hopefully let me know what's happening, patience is growing a bit thin after 13 months! Other news is that Mammut have given me support for my clothing for the time being, I've already received some kit and I'm well pleased with it................

Ochils MC Talk

2011-02-04T05:58:00.000-08:00

For anyone in the area I'm doing a talk for the Ochils Mountaineering Club on Feb 10th. It's free entry ,details below............... I'll be talking about life since moving up to Fort William, soloing E7 and a bit about Fast & Furious, my fall and some other stuff!!

http://www.ochils.com/

Motivated for Winter (again)

2011-01-30T09:00:00.001-08:00

Yesterday Johann and I had a lazy start up to Aonach Mor with the plan to climb Stirling Bridge, a Steve Kennedy route I've been keen to try for a long time. When we walked in the weather was crap but slowly it cleared while I was climbing and it turned out to be a stunning day. As it turned out the conditions for getting gear wasn't perfect and I never judged the kit I would need very well so we lowered off a few battered wires, next time though. I was expecting to be pissed of but wasn't at all, was enjoyable climbing, good laugh and a great view...............

On Stirling Bridge VI/VII

Johann heading to the cornice at the top of Easy Gully

New Year, Old Lessons

2011-01-01T11:49:00.000-08:00

A new year and it's time for a new start. I've been struggling a bit with my depression again recently, thankfully I've learned to cope with it better than I did when I first got it with the epilepsy. Also the ankle injury getting worse by the day aint helping much so I've been trying to find a way to refine my approach to life which of course basically ,for me, means my climbing. Up till recently the lessons I took from Mark Twight have stood me in good stead but the solid foundation I built using his ruthless approach to climbing (and life) has begun to crumble a bit under the weight of certain aspects of my life so I needed to find something to reinforce them. In my search I've tried reading all sorts of sport psychology stuff and realised it's all bollocks, it took me back to when seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist after becoming epileptic and after months of trying they told me I was beyond help?? This I took as a good thing though as it meant I knew it was only me who could help myself and I wasn't dependent on anyone else, thankfully.My search for new inspiration found me reading a lot of philosophy etc and some of it was good but nothing stood out that made the difference that Kiss or Kill did. My search for a new approach was upped a gear recently after failing on the Cathedral once again and watching Andy Turner making it look piss easy!

Packing up, dejected after my 7th defeat on the Cathedral, Pic-Steve Gordon

I found what I was looking for completely by chance a few weeks ago. My Dad had a book about decisive days in history, one of which contained a section about Japanese warlord Tokugawa Ieyasu. I had tried to avoid reading much Eastern philosophy etc as it felt a bit clichéd but reading this chapter has helped me immensely!! This guy had a theory that basically ran on the premise of " There are 7 emotions, Joy, Anger, Anxiety, Adoration, Grief, Fear and Hate, if a man doesn't give way to these he can be called patient, I am not as strong as I should be but I have long known and practised patience". Ever since reading this I have tried to put it into practise at every opportunity, anytime I have felt any of the above emotions I have attempted to control them on a deeper level than I have ever done before, hopefully with a bit of training I'll become more adept at applying this philosophy to my everyday life. I know I wont stop having these feelings but having better control over them should help me, I hope............

Tolerance , Round 3 pics

2010-12-28T12:24:00.000-08:00

Here are some pics from the 3rd attempt at Tolerance . All pics by Suzy Devey...............................

Dot and I chatting and getting a brew between snow showers

Trying to melt ice with my palm while trying to regain a smidgen of feeling in my left hand, a battle I rapidly lost!!

Trying again to get a bit of sensitivity in my hand before launching into trying the hard moves!!

That's solid ice on the sole of my rock shoes, not ideal....................

Slush Climbing

2010-12-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

In the past few days I've been out a couple of times to get into the swing of ice climbing again, just in time for the thaw!!! My foot is causing increasing pain but I cant stop getting out and climbing ,time to admit to myself I'm hopelessly addicted to climbing perhaps?

I went up to the CIC cascades with Rich on Thursday and even though it was thawing rapidly we had a good day on the ice. Only one other party on the hill which was the quietest I've ever seen the Ben on a good winters day.

Rich on the walk in to the ice on Thursday

On Xmas I was surprised when my mate Andy turned up in the Fort to run me back to Ayrshire, my plans for Xmas day had been to go soloing then eat a pizza but between everyone I know laughing at me for being on my own on Xmas Day and Suzy and Rich devouring my pizza I decided to visit the Shire. The local waterfall had frozen for the first time in 15 years but unfortunately by the time we sobered up enough to go near it it was like climbing a slush puppy. I climbed up a few feet but the whole thing was pouring with water, big chunks collapsing and my axes were ripping through so it was home, changed and out for a good old Dalry pint which inevitably turned into a 10 hour drinking session.............

On the Lynn Falls in the Shire

Slab Video

2010-12-08T01:45:00.000-08:00

Heres a link to UKC with a short video of Dave and me at the slab routes the other week..............

http://www.ukclimbing.com/news/item.php?id=59226

Rock & Ice

2010-12-01T03:48:00.000-08:00

On Saturday evening Dot, Suzy and myself headed for Belfast once again. A forecast for chilly but clear conditions was enough to get me psyched for yet another attempt at Tolerance. after a chilled evening at Rickys place we got up early in the morning, gearing up at the car we could see the Tors basking in the morning sun but we were also very aware of a front building to the North East. Ricky and Danny went to check out some boulders while we walked into the crag and set up, Ricky made a cool video of their day here http://www.vimeo.com/17337493

With a distinct feeling of Deja Vu Binnian began to disappear into the cloud the closer we got to it. I had a look at the route, it wasn't ideal but set up the rope anyway, as soon as I did that the blizzard hit. I decided to give it a try anyway but kept skidding on the ice or losing feeling trying to grip on snow/ice covered ledges. I abbed off and brushed away the snow and tried again but by this time it was winter conditions and I was climbing in rolled up trousers and sleeves. I completely lost feeling in fingers and toes and had to give in, gutted. on the walk out it became apparent that it wasn't ideal rock climbing conditions as there were fully formed icefalls almost 1000ft below where I was trying to climb. It turned to full on conditions on the way out and I began to accept that rock climbing in the mountains was finished for the season................Maybe

Frustration

2010-11-24T12:40:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been trying a lot of new routes and attempting repeats but without much success. Most of the time it's been down to my hand and regardless of how much I try to accept I'm disabled I can't seem to quite get there with it and it makes me angry with myself. In turn though I hate myself for being weak in not accepting that I'm different. If I could beat these pathetic weaknesses then maybe the demons that push me so hard wouldn't have such a hold over me and my life, whether this would be good or bad I do not know, I doubt I ever will.

Struggling to accept that I'm beaten on a route in the Glen, these are always shit times -Pic- Suzy Devey

Today though was one of those days that make all the misery, self hate and insomnia that comes with constantly trying other routes worth it. Dave, Donald, Suzy and myself headed out Glenfinnan way. I had an E5 to go at and Dave had a new route project to go at.

This shot captures a bit of what climbing is really about for me, good company and good laughs

Pic- Suzy Devey

As Dave and I worked our respective routes I knew pretty quickly that I was ready physically for the route, I just had to (in the words of Mr T) "Get some nuts" and go for it. So I tied in and sorted my rack which didn't take long as it was just a skyhook. I started up the climb, the first few moves I was struggling to relax with my head still a bit messed up from my fall but I knew if I pushed on I'd be fine, I knew this as if I wasn't and started to tremble I'd be off the precarious slab. I moved up and placed the skyhook, Donald tied it off at the base, time to go for it. Moving up on nail edges and small quartz holds I began to remember the feeling of bold routes I crave. As I climbed on and became more committed then the more I relaxed, this bodes well for another impending trip to the Mournes.

Nearing mid way on Frustration E5 6a - Pic Suzy Devey

Next up Dave despatched a new hard route, I don't know grade or name so I'll leave out details for Dave to blog about, needless to say it was an impressive bit of climbing. He then proceeded to easily onsight the E5 I had just done, a close call near the top though as just as he caught the large hold at the end of the route a fighter jet blasted overhead by only a few hundred feet (if that) and gave everyone a bit of a jump. All in all though today was an awesome day..................

Pain & Pennies

2010-11-17T08:18:00.000-08:00

With the ankle pain getting markedly worse I'm not working much at all the moment which means its back to not eating as much as I'd like or going out etc. thankfully I've got a few talks coming up, one for the Mountain Rescue Conference in Aberfeldy this weekend and one for the Ochil's Mountaineering Club in Stirling on Dec 2nd. I'm always scared of these things but if I could do more of them I could climb more and certainly eat better, if any of the few readers of my blog have any contacts for clubs etc looking for speakers please drop me a line...............

Looking Back

2010-11-16T06:35:00.001-08:00

Suzy, Connor and myself headed over to Newtyle Quarry the other day to get some pics on Fast & Furious for a piece in next months Climber Magazine about my soloing exploits, it's pretty brutal writing by Dave but I'm looking forward to seeing the finished article. It was strange to be back on the route with a rope on and be looking at it knowing I'm safe and under no pressure.

Connor going through the moves thinking about his attempt

Connor was well psyched to give the route a try as it was totally different to his trad background, it reminded me of myself the very first time I went there with Scott and saw the route. Trying the moves for the first time it just seemed impossible and crazy..........

Back on the route, I cant believe I soloed this 3 times. someone told me the other day there it was gutsy but it wasn't, I simply timed a moment or three of mental instability with some physical capability.................

Pics by Suzy Devey

Tolerating Tolerance

2010-11-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

On Saturday morning Suzy and I headed to Belfast to meet up with Ricky and Ali. This was to be my second trip to the Mournes with the sole intention of climbing Tolerance. The forecast was good and with clear skies as we landed it looked promising. Unfortunately within ten minutes of arriving on Binnian it started to rain and I only managed 15 minutes on top rope before the friction vanished rapidly and the rain turned to snow, cue hasty retreat.

Keeping the moves fresh in my head while Dale got ready for top rope on day two...........

Next day saw Ricky, Michelle , Suzy and myself make another attempt. Same nice sunny walk in, then as we approached the Tor the weather crapped out again. We set up a rope any way and myself, Dale and John had goes on top rope but with crap friction, dampness, little visibility, and no feeling in my fingers I decided it probably wasn't optimum to attempt my first E8 so it's back to training and watching the weather and continuing insomnia........................

This shot says more about the trip than I could put into words....Both pics Copyright Suzy Devey

Glenmore STS

2010-10-24T09:51:00.001-07:00

I spent the weekend at Glenmore Lodge for that leg of the STS. It was good crack speaking to some of the familiar faces and new people on the circuit. I teamed up with my old mentor Scott Muir for the day, we haven't climbed together in years so that was cool.

Scott and me after the comp

After the comp I had a talk to do in front of Lodge staff and competitors. they showed 'Single Handed' first which gave me an extra 20 minutes in which to get nervous, people keep telling me it gets easier doing this but it never seems to. However the film and talk were well received which is good and I got some good feedback.
Event organisers Pete and Neil "Re-Hydrating" after a hard days work..........

Busy Days

2010-10-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy few days here. The prospect of getting an operation on my ankle next year that could lay me out for 6 months has really got me motivated to train and climb as much and as hard as possible, well I think it's the thought of that and probably the good circle of people I have around me at the moment.

So Last Wednesday it was up the Glen with Dot and Suzy for a look at a few routes and a bit of top roping on Cubbys routes at Upper Scimitar where Dot surprised herself by cleanly climbing Jahu (E6 6b) first attempt on top rope.

Suzy leading at Wave Buttress

On Thursday it was up to Wave Buttress to check out a line Dave had recommended (Jodicus Direct E7) I got quite high but couldn't hold one move with my left hand high up and I would've hit the deck from around 12m at that point so time to be sensible and forget it. Suzy then got on her first trad lead for a bit and cruised through. Then it was over to Steall Crag for Dave to try his uber hard project in the failing light.

Saturday Dave and I headed to a crag discovered by Donald King to check out some new lines. It was a stunning day. Both of us worked our routes but by the time we sussed them out we were tired, my feet were sore from so much time in rock shoes and we decided to saunter home.

Dave on his line, potential E9 7a, the "easier" one of his projects here

Today it was down to Glencoe and Curved Ridge with Johann who is logging days on the hill for his tickets. I'm glad Outdoor Research had got my new shells to me as it was minging up there. It was a good laugh though which helped when we were both frozen and suffering with borderline Hot Aches. Between all these things I've been trying to work, write lectures and train for Ireland and winter. Too much fun to have and not enough time...............

On Curved Ridge in the rain/sleat/hail.........Good times

Axe Time

2010-10-07T13:33:00.001-07:00

It's that time of year again, too dark to go up the Glen after work and the pressing need to to get strong for winter projects sends us to Al's basement once again. Dreading the first serious training session tonight I met up with Sam, Rich and Gillian and proceeded to remind ourselves of how much axe training hurts.

Rich points out the next moves for Gillian

I wasn't going to start training till after the Ireland trip but with upcoming involvement in the Scottish Tooling Series I thought I had better do a bit of training. I'm doing a short talk after the Glenmore comp on the 23rd Oct which will be about my time in volved with Sport Mixed, how I got involved and the culmination of that chapter of my climbing with soloing Fast & Furious.

Stuff

2010-10-06T12:01:00.001-07:00

Went up the Glen again to get some shots on Fingertip Finale from a different angle this time the other day for Mountain Boot Company who are the UK distributors of my new clothing sponsor Outdoor Research. They also supply my Scarpa and Grivel kit which is handy.

I had to visit the Shire for 2 days there and hated it. Around the point that these pictures were taken I happily relaxed and had a conversation with Suzy, I dont know what it says about me that I felt more relaxed here than in many a social situation and I felt safer than I did walking around my stinking home town. I'm not one for regret but I do wish I had moved to Fort William years ago as I feel like I wasted a lot of time in Ayrshire with people I no longer even bother with.

Both pics by Suzy Devey

The pre hard climb mentality kicked into high gear yesterday, sleepless nights and even when I do drop off I'm dreaming of Ireland. I constantly go through the moves. The commitment I will give to this route means I have to commit to being selfish and blocking out other stuff/people in my life as it will do me no good on the route. For the first time on a hard route though I'm not just thinking of the cathartic feeling afterwards but of actually being on the climb and soaking up the joy of the moves. Feeling as psyched as I was for Firestone last year but in a more positive way.....................

Good Weekend

2010-09-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

With the next trip to Ireland just around the corner I feel the impending risk beginning to seriously dawn on me. With this in mind I needed to see how my ankle was and more importantly where my head is at on dangerous ground. So on Saturday when my parents visited town we headed up to the CIC hut and it was stunning. Just being up there has healing properties of it's own. My parents had never seen the North Face of the Ben up close before so it was cool to be there to see there reaction when they saw the impressive cliffs in their full glory.

Maw and Paw at the Hut, Maw looking very happy

On Sunday it was time to see if I could relax and focus on an intimidating route so with Suzy keen to get her photography back on track we headed up Glen Nevis on another stunning day. I decided on Fingertip Finale again as a suitable solo that lies between comfort and fear. I got that relaxed feeling that you only get when all the right ingredients come together. I've heard Dave talk of this often but only now am I starting to be able to realise when it happens and how to potentially recreate it. I'd say at least 70% of it though comes down to who we climb with and how chilled you can be in their company when you are doing something that scares you.
Suzy suffering for her art and fighting with the Holly bush trying to get to the belay

I instantly felt relaxed but focussed on the route, even taking time on the moves to force myself to take everything in and just chill. This is all so when I hit the Mourne's soon to try E8 I can fool myself into relaxing a bit on the crux moves of Tolerance. I'm at my most psyched in a year and feel good about it. There's a small part of me feels I'm over the worst of the darkness that has driven me for so long now but I know it's more likely just lying dormant for the time being. I do though think that I'm now attempting hard routes for better reason than I have in the past, I think, only time will tell, for now however I'll soak up as much of this good feeling as possible......

Suzy got some good shots on her first day on the rope, I soloed the route twice and felt great, all in all it was the best days climbing I've had for a while............

Fingertip Finale E4, Glen Nevis. Amazing route. Pics Copyright- Suzy Devey

Headspace

2010-09-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

Since my last blog I've been in a bit of a weird place mentally. I have been getting problems with my ankle again which has limited my climbing and work. So I made another appointment to see the surgeon and eventually got there last week and he basically told me that my climbing is over as is full time work. I couldn't believe what he had said and just walked out in a state of shock and drove to Ayrshire and spent a few days partying while mulling over my future. I had only very limited career options before the accident and they are totally crap now. Thankfully Nevisport have been great and have sorted out hours to suit my injury while still allowing time to train. Psyching up for a hard winter lead-Pic- Steve Gordon

I've always had hope that one day I'd settle down into a 'normal' life but as this dream drifts ever further from my grasp I realise how that hope has held me down. Hope is such a pointless thing, either we do or don't, that's it, hope is just a nice word for wait and that's wasting time and I've done enough of that now. For the Doctor to basically give me no hope was a blessing in disguise as I'm no longer thinking too much about what my future could hold but more about cramming in as much as possible to the here and now. I think this should allow me to push harder in my climbing and commit to more challenging routes without way too much thought about potential consequences. Life is great in this way that we can take what should be bad news etc and turn it into somewhat of an advantage.

Committing.........

2010-07-07T01:30:00.000-07:00

After my recent attempts to climb E8 I realised, A)how much I want to attain this level, not only of climbing but of commitment and B) of how much work I'm going to have to put into the possibility to make it a reality. I tried a lot of hard routes in my time off and got beaten a lot, I put this down to not only physical weakness but emotional and mental weakness too. I made a mistake in getting close to someone and I should've known better from a recent split that I'm not in a place to give much to anything but climbing at the moment as much as I pointlessly try. On the route below I was trying hard but couldn't concentrate as my mind was elsewhere, trying to figure out other problems. It wasn't till I received a text the other day from Mike (who was climbing there that day) and he said I was seeming down that I really saw it clearly for the first time and I knew then things had to change.

Trying a new line in Arrochar, committing, friable and bold, 1 bit of gear at 30m Pic-Alan Fox

On my running circuit, looking towards Aonach Mor

So the other day I somewhat spring cleaned my life, as I mentioned in a previous post. I've given up trying to get into any of the careers I was interested in as there are too many (unproven) restrictions going against my disabilities. I've stopped trying to settle into what most see as a normal life. I went through my phone contacts and deleted a pile of numbers, got rid of all unnecessary possessions and I feel the better for it, almost like a new start.It feels good to be committed and focused on only one thing, no more hopeless distractions.

After 4 days at work dealing with obnoxious tourists I was more than ready to start training in earnest , early start yesterday and a PB on my running circuit. Then shopping for healthier food, bloody expensive this healthy eating.
After effects of trying a problem of Daves (I'm blaming him)

Then it was down to Alan Kimbers bouldering wall to meet up with Dave for training. After climbing slabs for so long my skin was too soft and I managed to take a good old chunk off my left hand after only an hours climbing. After that it was home to open a package from Diff. It turned out to be a best film award for Single Handed from the Slovenian Alpine Association. I was well chuffed that a hardy bunch like the Slovenians enjoyed the film...........

New Toys

2010-06-30T10:26:00.001-07:00

I recently received support for my winter kit from Grivel so this meant a visit to the prosthetics guys at Raigmore Hospital the other week. we had a bit of a discussion on angles etc for the axes and the guys got to work chopping my Quantum Race tools up and I picked up the finished products yesterday. Trying out the mixed version of my prosthetic

Today I headed down to the Ice Factor to try out the results. Its really handy having this place local to test these out instead of realising faults while in Norway or Italy etc. The guys there (Jamie B , Andy , Kieran) were good enough to help out with belaying and taking the pics.
The shorter ice version in action

They both seemed to work fine in here but I'll need to wait till winter to really find out.

Trying, Failing and Accepting

2010-06-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

I've had almost two months off work now to try climb E8 and sort out some other parts of my life. It's given me time to accept that for the time being settling into a relationship isn't going to work for me while I'm pushing myself trying to find out just how far I can go with my disabilities. it's selfish of me to keep trying as my attitude is one of not letting anything distract me and even the pettiest squabble can put me off so it's not worth it. I also feel closer to accepting the fact that I'm getting a bit older now and any chance of a career in the fields I'm interested in are slipping away, all this has the positive side effect that I'm more capable of focussing my energy on climbing and committing myself more to it.

Trying Marks line in Glen Nevis -Pic-Alan Fox

I've been trying a lot of new routes in my time off, trying to find different ways of using my left hand to allow me to climb better and it's working.Mark McGowan pointed out a route to us in the Glen that he reckoned was worth a look so Johann and myself tried it the other week and it was utter nails (sure E7) I couldn't do one bloody move but it's well worth another look and I'm sure Johann will send it soon. I was beginning to worry that if I was to climb harder than E7 that I'd be doomed to climbing slabs for the rest of my life. But after another visit to Ireland with Di Gilbert to meet up with Ricky again that fear has been quashed. I tried a few lines without success due to my hand ,though no matter how hard I try to just accept this it still pisses me off and I get extremely angry with myself.
Top roping Tolerance E8 6c, Binnien, The Mournes . -Pic- Ricky Bell

Tolerance is a mega bold route with a terrible landing if you blow it on any of the hard moves but it's an absolutely stunning line. I have a struggle with two of the moves but I'm sure I can manage them in cooler conditions. It's great to have focus back on one or two particular routes again as it allows me to concentrate and not have that 'whats next?' feeling.

It was another great trip to Ireland, every time I go I enjoy it more and I'm more keen to go back. The place is awesome, the climbing is perfect for me but it's the people on these trips that really make it memorable. The scene there is like nothing I've seen before, utterly unique.........
The Team at Fairhead shortly before heading for the Athletes dinner of Fish, chips and lager.....

Revenge of the Fallen

2010-06-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Today I managed a new route at my old haunt, The Quadrocks. I had noticed it last night while belaying friends on one of my routes on the main face. Early today Hector and myself headed up before the heat of the day really kicked in, even with factor 50+ I'm still burnt.I took a few shots on top rope then decided to go for it as it was getting ultra warm.The line goes up the right side of the existing E3 route The Arete and I graded it E3 5c.
Last of the hard moves on first ascent of 'Revenge of the Fallen'

Cheers to Hector for belaying and taking the pics.

Recce to the Mournes

2010-05-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

On Friday afternoon I Arrived in Belfast on a long awaited return trip to the Mournes. I had been speaking to Ricky Bell for a while about getting over but never got round to it but after recently re-watching Underdeveloped I became very psyched to try Crystal Methods (an E8 solo) with the mindset that I will quit soloing after it. However I couldn't do the crux move on the route and decided not to bother on the day. Ricky pointed me at a fantastic E7 which will definitely go in better conditions, I then tried a brutal E8 6c which I think could be the route where I find both my mental and physical limits. I did all the separate moves on top rope but not strong enough to link it all yet.

The scene in Northern Ireland is amazing, that in itself has me very keen to get back, the guys there have a real passion for their mountains.
Looking over to Binnian, The Mournes

I have 2 months off from working at Nevisport and I hope to really push myself in that time to a whole new level.Just ordered 100m of static to go check some big new projects which should be interesting, not looking forward to carrying all that kit on a still fragile ankle though................

The Real Fear

2010-05-10T11:59:00.001-07:00

Just a quick last minute update. I'm doing a talk at Dumbarton Library tomorrow night at 7.30 and it's terrifying me................................

Snakes & Ladders

2010-04-26T12:58:00.001-07:00

I've realised in the last few days that I'm back to the place I was in a few years ago. I really thought I was near the place where I could stop soloing and settle down a bit but after the fall I need to rebuild my confidence and I've had to start almost from scratch, I can only describe it as feeling like landing on 99 in a game of Snakes and Ladders and shooting all the way down to the start.

I had the chance to settle into a nice relationship and possibly be happy but I knew what I'm going to have to put myself through to get back to a place in my climbing that I'm satisfied and it leaves me no room for anything else, I could've accepted the happiness and comfort offered, I wanted to but my drive wouldn't let me. Another terrible choice to make, I make the selfish choice and battle the rising regret.The choice leaves me feeling lonely and hurt but I know that's what I need to commit properly to playing the game again.

I headed up the Glen tonight to get back on an E4 that I'd done last year. I decided it would be a good solo and my friend Miriam came along to take some shots. I did it once on my shunt and decided to pull the rope and ready for the solo. As I tried to get my head in gear I almost began to question whether this was what I wanted anymore but as I looked up the route and knew how soloing it would make me feel the doubt began to dwindle. I needed to get my act together, stop being weak and just do it. The feelings of anger and self hate always help in this situation. Time to do it................
Soloing Fingertip Finale E4, Glen Nevis, just after the crux

The higher I climbed and more committed to the route I was the happier I became. I hate what I have to do to be capable of this but how it makes me feel is very much worth it. I know I'm now looking at a lot of suffering to get to a place I can finally feel peace but I also know it must be what I'm actually meant to do because of what I'm willing to let go to do it.

Near the top out

The Auld Triangle

2010-04-12T02:09:00.000-07:00

I eventually got back to proper climbing on Saturday and back to the old familiar feelings of fear, commitment and relief.

FEAR:- Going back to soloing I had to deal with my fear after the fall. I knew I had to do this as soon as possible as I was beginning to wonder if I'd lost my bottle and without that I know I couldn't climb well. As I was psyching up for the solo I had a flashback to the fall and it was a real mental battle to erase that image from my mind but good mental exercise...........

Dealing with the fear and flashback

COMMITMENT:- I know I couldn't have walked away from trying this route again, I knew I had to totally commit myself to doing it, no matter the outcome I had to at least try. I had to go back to almost the darkest days of my life to find the level of motivation I need to take risks. I have to remember that I cant care more about dying than living, if I had just went home and decided to never climb solo etc again I wouldn't really be living. I consider myself very lucky get this from climbing, that I've discovered something I consider to be worth taking such risks for. So I got on the route and climbed nervously to just before the crux, I could change my mind at this point, I'm shaking, I'm beginning to doubt myself, I feel sick, my stomach churns and my hands have cold sweat. I really begin to do battle with myself and I realise if I bottle it now I may never manage to fully get back into the game. I commit and it goes smoothly...........
Just after the crux move on the Arete E3, Quadrocks, Largs

RELIEF:-As you can visibly see in the pic below I'm relieved to have made it. I cant even really remember pausing here my mind was racing with so many emotions. I feel so glad to be back in the game now, to know I still have the mental reserve to solo and to once again have the feeling of contentment that only climbing now gives me.
I doubt I could explain correctly just how I feel in this pic

Trying to Quieten The Animal

2010-04-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

I hardly slept a wink last night with excitement due to the prospect of getting on a long term project in Glen Nevis. When I opened the curtains though the place was soaking, regardless I headed up but the Glen was still in the grip of winter and with the sun coming out the route was showing no signs of drying. After getting so psyched up I had to vent the accumulated feelings in some way so I proceeded to try some of the training in Stevie Hastons latest article in Climb Magazine, it did the job and I made myself suffer accordingly for my failure to climb today.

Training on the wall, suppressing feelings of inadequacy for not climbing

I've always enjoyed training for it's ability to hurt me. I don't like training simply to feel fit or strong, I only like it when I'm pushing myself to breaking point. For example when training on the wall for winter I've held onto my axes till my hands bled and I was very close to passing out. Only in this way do I feel I have purged the weakness from my body and mind. I guess there's a fine line between self-fulfilment and self-harm.

I'm drawn to climbing because of it's inherent risk , it's ability to give me peace from myself and the general feeling of freedom involved (especially in Scotland). So when I can't feed myself a diet of these ingredients I need something to fill that growling space and hard training seems to be the only way I'm capable of quietening that appetite until I get the full meal that climbing provides.

Making The Cut

2010-04-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

When I began climbing I was a pretty weak character. I was working in a boring job, drinking a lot and moving in murky circles. Climbing at the time was simply something a bit different for me to do every now and then almost something to make me realise I was actually alive. Then I did my first proper winter route and I woke up from the losers sleep I had been in. The next wake up call came when an old lad at my work retired, he had been there since school, saved his cash, hardly any holidays or sick days and he was proud of this I heard people speak of this as if it was a life well lived and it horrified me. He got 2 months retirement before he dropped dead in the garden..........I quit the following week and haven't had a serious job since.

On my first winter route, Ben Nevis. Pic-Rob Jarvis , Highland Guides.

After this I pretty much committed myself to a life less ordinary and pursuing full time climbing was the perfect excuse to avoid the soul crushing 9-5 living for the weekend crap I had been doing. I was naive to think at that time that I understood commitment. I spent a couple of years trying to climb hard and learn what I could then I read 'Kiss or Kill' by Mark Twight. This book has changed my life without a shadow of a doubt. I learned to accept what I was becoming by reading this and also began to understand ,even embrace it. It forced me to face up to my being selfish and ruthless but not to be ashamed of it but to use it to good effect. The main point I took from it was what he called 'The attitude of the knife' , cutting away all that holds us back. I took to this new attitude like I couldn't believe. Getting rid of everything that was holding me back at the time and I revelled in it's brutal coldness.

In the winter of 2005 I took the cutting attitude to a new level and one that finally marked a point where I was crossing a line and giving into climbing. I went on a trip to Austria and while climbing with my prosthetic I realised that a digit on my disabled hand was catching inside my cast. As soon as I returned home I had an operation to have it removed. This confirmed to me that if I can go so far as to have digits removed then climbing was what I really wanted in life. There is very little left in my life from my pre-climbing days....................

Nearly There

2010-04-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks I've been trying to get back into the game. I got back up the Glen and simply top-roped some routes to start building up my confidence again before a hopeful season of hard and bold climbing. I've also been doing short walks and runs but ended up getting Plantar Faciitis which is a tendon injury, great times. Hopefully I'll have more to write about after the weekend.

Walking Away

2010-02-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

I received a call from a friend of many years the other day and they were going on about me being the only one of our old team of mates who isn't yet settled down into relationship, steady career etc and that I'm 31 and simply renting a room to allow me to go climbing. They also stated that I'm "a ruthless, self-centered and heartless b*****d". I guess sometimes I am but wouldn't have been able to sacrifice what I have without being these things. There are things I miss a lot like nights out with the lads.

The Lads before a wedding reception

Theres also the sacrificing of love to allow me to pursue my selfish ambitions. The night I walked away from her is the best example of my realising how far I was willing to go and how much I'm willing to cut away to have an uncluttered life.

I was due to leave town on an extended climing trip and I met her the night before I left while in the pub with the boys, she asks me to walk her home and I cant say no to her as at the time I was foolishly blinded by my love for her. We have said our goodbyes a few times in the past but this night felt different, more of an air of finality. We stand in the pouring rain and tell each other that we both love each other but she is with someone and she gets something from him that I cannot promise her, he will always be around and I will not, she knows this.She has bore witness to my ruthless committment to climbing before and she knows that no matter what I will still walk away from her before I would quit climbing, which she deserves.

We continue talking about our intense feelings for each other then a voice in my head tells me to do her a favour and walk right at that moment. I feel an all to familiar coldness fill me and darken my thoughts. I lie to her to make it easier for her, I see tears begin to well in her eyes, shes been here before and knows it isn't good. I hate myself for what I'm about to do, I tell her a hurtful lie and say that I'm cutting her out my life, climbing means more and by the time I get home I'll have begun to forget her and my feelings. I convince myself that in the long run I'm doing her a favour in making her hate me and if she does I can use it to push myself in a cathartic sense. I didn't know that this decision would screw my head up to a very dangerous point and end me in a very very dark place that I was lucky to get back from.

Back on the street she asks how I can do this, I tell her that I simply have to and its not a problem, this statement cuts into both of us deeply. At this point we decide to go our separate ways and just as I go to walk away she gives me a look that will never leave or cease to hurt me, then she softly kisses me, I turn and walk away and dont look back. I almost break down, I almost throw up.............But I dont

Past Week

2010-02-21T10:26:00.000-08:00

The past week has been a real rollercoaster of 'emotions'. It started last Saturday at the Fort William Film Festival and Diffs entertaining lecture "Climbers I've Shot and Some I'd Like To Shoot" which was followed by a showing of Single Handed. I had to do a short Q&A with Diff afterwards and as usual I was pretty nervous, made even more so by the presense of the legendary Jimmy Marshall and his family. Speaking to Jimmy on the Sunday he told me to stop the dry tool soloing as it was 'dangerous', this after having watched him on the terryfying looking second ascent of Yo-Yo. A review of the festival here http://www.planetfear.com/articles/Fort_William_Mountain_Festival_2010_1090.html

Then it was an appointment at the Sports Injuries clinic on Wednesday to see if they had another opinion. The doctor hardly had to look to be able to tell me my foot is actually broken. CT scan on Thursday and phonecall on Friday confirmed my worst fears, my foot is badly fractured and I'm going to get an operation to put screws in my foot, gutted and angry that I've wasted almost two months pointlessly trying to recover.

Gaz arrived late on Friday for a weeks climbing and I decided that as my foot is knackered anyway I would try at least get to the CIC icefalls. Early start on Saturday morn saw Gaz, a hungover Kaye and myself stumbling up from the North Face carpark.

Kaye walking towards the cascades on the right as the sun crests the Carn Mor Dearg

As I walked in I realised just how much I have been missing the mountains.As we arrived at the crag we decided that Gaz would lead the first route and I would climb up alongside Kaye on her first ice climb. As kaye and I geared up to follow Gaz I went to put on my prosthetic and it broke, I couldn't believe it and what I felt transcended anger. However Kaye took off and dispatched the route no problem.

Kaye and Gaz return from the route

Kaye and I on the way out

On the way back out I ended up in pretty severe pain, to the point I was sweating due to it, Gaz got lumbered with my pack for the last steeper section. As usual though dinner and a pint at Nevisport was all the 1st aid I needed. It was a stunning day to be out on the hill and its always good to be there when people do things for the first time. Now its just a waiting game to see when I get the operation....................

More Film Stuff

2010-02-01T04:34:00.000-08:00

First up is the new yearbook from Stone Country.An awesome book packed with brilliant photos, guaranteed to get you psyched and in which they awarded 'Single Handed' film of the year!!!

Check it out here:-http://stonecountry.blogspot.com/

Next are a couple of other reviews for the MSMD DVD:-
http://www.ukclimbing.com/gear/review.php?id=2367

http://www.calmandfearless.com/reviews/film/monkey-see-monkey-do_1

Write Off

2010-01-26T03:08:00.000-08:00

Rehab began in earnest yesterday with my first visit to Physio and I've got a bit more damage than first expected. It looks very likely that I'll have to write off any winter climbing plans for this season which is gut wrenching but after speaking to the Physios and doctors it seems I really am lucky to only have the injuries I do. Tools of rehabilitation

Missing Out

2010-01-15T02:04:00.001-08:00

Since taking my fall the other day I've been trying to keep my mind occupied with other bits of work I've had to do and answering some questions from the press who seem interested in my fall?? I've been replaying the accident a lot either conciously or sub-conciously and keep realising how lucky I am to only have a sprained ankle and that Gaz and Dave were quick to react and get me to hospital, even if they did spend most of the time laughing at me :)

The over-riding emotion I feel at the moment though is not fear or pain but one of frustration in that I'm missing so much. Blair and Dave have been very busy sending stunning new ice lines in Glencoe this week, these lines were a deciding factor in my having taken a week off work to climb and the closest I'll likely ever get to them are the pics on Daves blog. Blair repeating the Excellerator, this is the kind of climbing I love

I'm already managing to get a bit of weight on my damaged foot with only a little support and the swelling is slowly going down, today however its bruising up badly and wouldn't look out of place in an episode of CSI. Hopefully I'll be climbing again before the end of the season.

Two days ago, spot the injured foot...................

Inspirations

2010-01-12T12:14:00.001-08:00

Every so often I receive emails from people in all corners of the globe saying that my climbing and my attitude towards my disabilities has inspired them. It always makes me feel somewhat embarressed but its great to hear that people take somekind of goodness from what I do.

I always feel very humbled also, sometimes more than others. I received an email a few weeks back from a Canadian girl who has been through terrible times and challenges with Epilepsy resulting in brain surgery. Melanie contacted me after watching 'Single Handed' saying how much the film affected her and ,even though she isn't a climber, she uses the film to help get her through her less than good days. After reading her full story I couldn't believe that I inspired this amazing woman , humble isn't a strong enough word to describe how her email made me feel.

After her brain op she was told basically that she would hardly be capable of doing anything by yet another blinkered health proffessional. Melanies passion in life (except her family) is music, in particular the trumpet. She decided that she would take it up once again regardless of what the 'pros' said. She now plays alongside some of the Jazz greats. I read somewhere once that "One of lifes greatest pleasures is doing what others say we cannot" and I'm sure Melanie would agree...........
Melanie blasts out a tune in the Rockies

Ouch

2010-01-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Gaz and I headed to Steall Falls quite early and were lucky enough to be first on the route. It was amazing quality ice with constant first time placements and just a joy to climb. Heading off on the first pitch

3rd pitch

Gaz looks happy at the point we decided to ab off

Next up was to meet Dave for a look at some interesting ice formations I had saw the week previous while trying to get my "4x4" out of the Glen. We headed straight to them and everyone was immediately psyched. I decided to try a new and continental looking route.

I climbed a thin cigar of ice then up into the cave above and placed gear in suspect rock. The ice was melting fast by now and water was visible behind the thin smear I had to climb and I was very wary of taking a whipper onto suspect rock while attached to about a tonne of ice, time to lower off.

It was about 2 feet above where this pic is taken when things went wrong

As I leaned back onto the rope my gear ripped from the rock and I went into freefall, about 15ft then tumbling down a hill. Thankfully I only had extreme pain in my ankle and badly winded, no prosthetic buried in my torso. Trying hard to breathe and not pass out was difficult. The lads sprung into action and got me out of there very quickly, Dave carried me and Gaz carried the 3 packs. I owe those boys.

It's amazing how much can go through your mind in a very short space of time, I remember vividly pushing myself away from the ice to make sure my spine and neck didn't take the impact or someone else would likely be writing this. So it's a badly sprained ankle and forced rest for me. I do however consider myself very lucky to still be able to walk, albeit with crutches.........

One of These Days

2010-01-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

I met Di Gilbert a few years back when she was an instructor on my SPA training and we got talking about her recent ascent of Everest and my own hopes to eventually make it to the Greater Ranges. We kept in touch and met up again in Rjukan last year when I was out attempting routes with Andy Turner. Ever since then we have been trying to get out climbing but the weather etc has always put paid to our plans but eventually Di made it through yesterday and we planned to do Steall falls and a few other routes. As we were driving up the Glen in my supposed "4x4 of the year winner" it stopped responding to my driving and started do whatever it felt like and despite Alan Kimber and his crew and then some of the local Rescue Team lads putting in great efforts to get this unwieldy lump down the road safely it was decided to abandon it and I only just got it back today after Di had to go back East to prep for a trip to Aconcagua.Hopefully someday Di and I will actually get out climbing.....................

New Years Day

2010-01-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

I started the new decade as I mean to go on. Its Friday night and instead of being out partying I'm down at the wall training with Tony, Sam and Christina. Not a heavy session but enough to affirm a new level of commitment to my climbing. Everyone was back at ours for a brew at 10 and it was suddenly decided to go up to Glen Nevis and climb Lower Falls, 10 minutes of hectic packing and a slow drive up and it was game on.
Grinning like a Cheshire cat

Myself , Jenny , Blair , and Tony

We had a great night just soloing on easy ground and generally having a laugh. Great way to start the year...................

Recycling

2010-01-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

Another Winter season now and my frustration levels reach an all time high.Trying a route with Dave the other day I couldn't make height and it drove home my feelings of hopelessness. I cant remember the last time I made it to the top of a winter line and its making me nuts. I hate myself deeply for failing on a personal level but even more so for letting my climbing partners down. The hatred is such that I cant let it go, it burns inside my head day and night calling me weak and pathetic. It is a constant reminder of all those faces and voices from my past that told me "you cant". I've very rarely found things in my past that I cant do but winter climbing is the hardest battle yet and so far its winning this cruel game. Its now a living breathing thing that I have to overcome, its been baiting me for too many years now, taking me away from what most would call a normal life and throwing me into a fight with myself. For now its almost like it is part of my personality and its a part I need to cut away but I'll only manage that after I can climb something I feel is hard. Something that's brutal, dangerous and somewhat hurts me to justify the pain I've caused to those I've cared for over the years with the selfish pursuit of my climbing. But then do I really care about the hurt I've caused to climb??

I've thought for a long time that I did care about the relationships I've had in the past but in reality I very likely didn't (apart from once). I've either used them to find comfort away from a particular spurt of risk taking or purposefully got into relationships I knew would end badly and hurt me so that I could use it to fuel my risk taking. I've only recently opened my mind to the possibility that I didn't really care about these relationships and was actually a shallow person who, in fact, felt very little apart from the glow of self-satisfaction that climbing gives me. I never realised how true it probably was or how utterly ruthless it was possible to be and still feel nothing until last week.

I was home for a few days over Christmas and met many people I knew, some for a very long time, and at no point did I feel anything in common with them. I knew then that this would likely be among the last times that I will see these people. This feeling came crashing home when I met 'her'. She told me she had been thinking about me etc and in the past this would have meant a fair amount to me but the other day I just smiled at her and walked away. She didn't make my stomach churn, in that way when you see someone you love, like she has in the past. My feelings for her are eventually dead after a long time trying to get rid of them. I thought that this would lift a weight but the void that's been left in my life by cutting away my love for her has been filled by the pressure on myself to perform something that could be impossible.

But then that's another reason why I love climbing so much, It allows me to dump un-important things from my life, and replace the space they took up with the really meaningful things. To try achieve something I ,at this moment, think is impossible but with hard work and single minded focus it can become a reality. It is a constant source of surprise and joy that climbing can take the crap from my life and recycle it into something good and usable......................

Post MSMD

2009-12-19T12:46:00.001-08:00

Since the MSMD DVD came out I've been asked a lot about my solo of Fast & Furious and in particular why I did it. At the time I was really pushing myself regardless of the fact I had a girlfriend at the time, I thought being with someone would've slowed me down but it acted as a catalyst to drive me harder. I knew there was no future for us but at the same time I knew the inevitable split was going to hurt. The best way I could handle this was to hide my pain under the dark but comfortable and familiar quilt of risk as I knew doing that would distract me from the hurt. I had to find something that would chase these particular demons away so first I got on an E3 solo I had previously backed off, I nearly fell due to crap friction and it was the first time I really felt that blackness take over when every other thing disappears and it was just me and 1 move to survive, I thought that would do the trick,it didn't............

What next?? I had thought about soloing F&F before but not in a properly serious way, this should do it I thought. I was strong at this particular time and with the control I had felt in the close call the previous week and another crumbling relationship I left one afternoon with my mate Al to Newtyle......... About a third up the route

I listened to my mind intently on the way up that day and decided to wear a trail rope to get back from the lower off, it wouldn't stop me in the event of a fall or hold breaking but protected me if my bottle crashed. I knew it would be hard as the route is M10/11 and on unpredictable rock. I arrived and had no real need to do my usual routine to get into the right head space as I had been in it for days. I jumped on the route...............
The picture above captured my expression as I suddenly realised where I was and what I was doing, the look on Al's face wasn't a reassuring one either. The route went without mishap and the only words during and for about 10 minutes after were from Al, "Well done you crazy bastard".

Crazy?? I don't think I am but I've had many comments recently from people thinking I am or that I'm even suicidal. In my opinion there's a world of difference between wanting to die and being lucky enough to have found something that means that much to me that I'm willing to take that chance. I am perhaps ,as Climb magazine described me, "troubled" but I channel those problems into my climbing and leave some of them behind when the route is done. I turned the negative of my relationship breakdown into the positive of success (survival) on a dangerous climb.

A few days after doing this I received a text from another climber saying that it wasn't really a solo as I had a trail rope which confirmed what I was already thinking. I knew I was going to have to back and commit myself 100% to soloing that route. It was a year later and in training for a particular route I found myself standing at the bottom of the route again. This time I had only the experiences and memories of the things that motivate this kind of climbing to get me into that frame of mind........

I once again headed off up the route, no harness, rope or helmet, pure commitment to the climb. At just beyond the halfway point I got a pain in my stomach and had to hang vertically and free to stretch it out but it went away and I got re-focused and finished the route. When I got back to the ground the lads who were filming etc looked more shell-shocked than I was.
The real solo

I'm glad I done it as it answered a few personal questions and lifted one particular weight from my shoulders which means in my head it was worth the risk. However a few days after I done it one of my friends went on it (no-one had been on it since) and a hold blew on him. I felt sick when I heard this as I thought about how easily that could've been me. I'm just glad he had a rope on and it happened after I had climbed it..............

Good Days & Decisions

2009-12-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

On Friday I joined a team of Scots, Irish and Welsh for a jaunt over the Carn Mor Dearg. We knew as soon as we arrived at the car park it was going to be a great day, the kind that you live for. The views were clearer than I've ever seen. If I hadn't already made the move North then I think this day would've kicked me into gear to live here.
Heading up to the beginning of the ridge
Summit of the Ben-(Tam, Johann, Lorenzo, Shaun and Hannah)

It felt great to have a day out with no putting pressure on myself to climb hard but the constant 'voice' at the back of my head was nagging at me about having taken no risk for a while now. For a while I've been toying with the idea of attempting The Hurting XI/11 in the Cairngorms but as with most things in my life it was a 50/50 idea. I really got into physically and mentally preparing for it but knew there would be issues from the start. I had belayed Dave on it and saw footage and pics etc so I knew of one section with moves I would not manage. I thought about trying to have an abseil inspection but its not enough for me as I never know how a sequence will leave me (possibly stuck due to not switching etc). I thought about the possibility of headpointing and it seemed to be the only way I could achieve this grade but I was deeply conflicted about this un-ethical approach and the fact that I felt in a way I was using my hand as an excuse to basically cheat my way up a route. It has tormented me for two years but eventually I came up with a plan the other day that allows me to cut away this head f**ck and lets me maintain the purity of Scottish winter climbing.
The torment begins in my head above the Hurting

This is the hardest climbing decision I've Ever had to make but I think its the right one.I think..........

The Start, "Why"??

2009-11-30T11:40:00.000-08:00

Since I took up climbing ,and in particular soloing, I've been asked "why"?? I've spoke a bit about why I climb but I've never really thought about the real base reasons why I chose climbing over any other 'sport'. There are quite a few reasons I can think of offhand. I never really gelled with any mainstream sports at school and increasingly played truant to head to the moors and glens surrounding my hometown preferring long walks to long division. I always knew I was different to everyone else around me and am to this day constantly reminded of it so I needed to play a game that was as far from the crowd as possible. I tried a few things but nothing seemed to compete with the freedom I felt in the hills. There was no judgment there, no rules precluding me from participating just me and wide open ground. It seemed that whatever I was going to do had to be in the countryside and preferably with as little human intervention or rules as possible. After a while I started trying to cover more distance in quicker times ,testing myself, which was great fun but it still lacked something, one more vital ingredient.....risk. In 1998 I went up Curved Ridge with a friend, November, 1st scramble, no ropes and pouring rain and a new door opened. It went on like this for a couple of years and scrambling/climbing was an innocent hobby and I had no idea what a driving force and necessity it was to become in my life.

Tam and Wullie above the Quadrocks after I'd done the first ascent of 'The Whispering Eye' , I've never been involved with any other sport that gives you days like this or bonds friendships stronger.

When I started seeing the one girl I've loved I was still climbing on occasional weekends and going on some trips but while the train wreck of our 'relationship' continued I got more into it I guess as an escape from the reality that I was losing her and couldn't stop that happening. After we parted ways my climbing took over my life and took on a whole new darker dimension. It became a way to try justify our split and to fill the void she left, which was big as I was 25 at this point and until then hadn't really felt anything. I decided then that climbing was going to be the only way for me do deal with the bigger issues in my life. Since then I've climbed thousands of feet ,solo, in an effort to break the chains that still hold me to that pointless emotional baggage, sometimes I manage to break free, other times it holds me tight in its grasp. But I can use it to my advantage as it drives me even harder than my disabilities do.Maybe that's why climbing is the only thing that works as 'therapy' for me as it takes me literally away and above all that useless social stuff?
Dave on Ben Nevis last year.Days like this form a large part of why climbing means so much to me.

Some days though just being on my local moors is enough, just to sit up there looking over at Arran makes me feel so at peace, especially if the wind is howling past to add to the atmosphere......

MSMD Reviews

2009-11-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

The folks at Stone Country have given 'Monkey See , Monkey Do' a good review here........

STONE COUNTRY: Review of Monkey See Monkey Do

Dave Macleod also wrote about it here.................... Dave MacLeod Climbing: Monkey See Monkey Do DVD out now in the shop

Competition=Frustration

2009-11-22T02:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Christina , Sam and I headed to Glenmore Lodge for a DT Competition. It was to be Sam's 1st comp so a relaxed approach was taken by us but not so by a nervous Christina who was to be doing a DT Masterclass with fellow Mountain Equipment athlete Andy Turner.
Sam strikes a pose just before our first route.......

I've been doing DT comps since Scott Muir started them in Scotland back in 04 and they have been a help in my finding out whats possible with my axes but at the same time they are a constant source of frustration. It reminds me that I'm disabled when I cant high axe or switch on my axes and it really p****s me off. I thought after last winter I had a better hold on my anger related to my climbing but yesterday was a stark reminder that it can rear its ugly head without warning which resulted in a few axes planted deeply in the ground, perhaps the Jobcentre were right when they reckoned I had issues with my temper :) Yesterday made me see clearly that no matter how hard I train etc that all it takes is one switching move on a route and I'm scuppered and that is truly frustrating........
Christina gives it some welly on the Masterclass
The 'Auld Maister' Jimmy Addison [sorry Jimmy :) ] gets cranking

I'm definitely going to compete at the Ice Factor on the 5th of Dec but after that I'm finished with competing as it brings out the angry side of me too much. Its a really good crowd at these comps but afterwards when I'm at home and reflecting on my own I can get quite down about being disabled.

Canada

2009-11-13T14:13:00.000-08:00

Last week I was really psyched about my impending trip to Canada so it was with high expectations I got on the long flight trip Calgary. The moment I arrived things started going wrong, immigration held me back for a while then as I got towards Banff my stomach felt a little sore. 3 days later I eventually felt safe enough to venture more than dashing distance away from my bathroom. Then I still had no energy to climb and conditions weren't great. The film went down well with those that saw it at the festival but after attending a panel discussion on soloing I got the impression that my reasons for doing it were very different than most others or perhaps I'm just a bit more honest about it?? I got asked a few times about "why" when I was there so during the illness and recovery I did some serious 'soul-searching' about why I do it and I reckon theres 3 reasons

1) My not allowed being allowed to join the Army and therefore not carrying on somewhat of a family tradition I feel some need to live an adventurous life.

2) Being disabled I still feel that I have something to prove to myself about my abilities.

3) Last but not least trying to clear my head from the 'heart wrenching' split from the love of my life.

These are the best, most honest and most likely reasons I have for taking risks but I'm not a psychologist so who knows...........
Above is a picture of me out of puff at Lake Louise , I had walked to 7000ft with a mate who works for the National Parks of Canada. On the way out he was putting his skis on and said to me to go ahead, he would catch up. After days of illness I was desperate to feel like I had done something so I decided to run.If you want to get your heart going I can recommend running full tilt at 7000ft, in snow wearing climbing kit. I was wearing a t-shirt by the time I got to the car and got some strange looks from the well wrapped tourists. I came home to an email from Scarpa saying they will supply me with mountain boots which is great, especially for winter here and possibly the Eiger in March!!!!!!!!!

Flip Sides

2009-11-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

With the media attention I've had recently it's got me thinking about the flip sides of my climbing. By flip sides I mean how my climbing seems to be perceived by some and the reality of it and they couldn't be further from each other. I always try to be honest with my writing so here goes with an explanation. I did some climbing in Glen Nevis earlier this year for the Adventure Show (to be shown tomorrow night at 7 p.m. on BBC2) and after the climbing was done we did a short interview. It went the way most interviews do asking about my hand etc then Duncan , the presenter , mentioned that he detected a hint of self-hate in what I do! I'd never really thought about my climbing in that light before but it certainly seemed a logical explanation for soloing. This is one of the strange paradoxes in climbing with me pushing myself into situations where I may die or I know that I'm going to be in pain yet at the same time it makes me feel good about myself. In one interview when I was asked about soloing being a loner's sport, I explained that I feel more alone in a club surrounded by hundreds of people than I do when I'm alone in the hills.

People often ask me about how I manage to become bold for climbing and this is going to be different for every bold climber, but I do not see myself as bold. I put myself in risky situations in a small way because I feel I owe it to myself to a certain extent for not sticking up for myself early enough as a kid when I was being bullied. So if you look at all the above issues they are countered by the mirror image of themselves, self hate diminished by love of climbing , loneliness quenched by loneliness and self perceived cowardice confronted by my boldness in soloing close to my absolute physical and mental limits.............

I'm off to Banff, Canada in a couple of hours to promote and introduce Hotaches film 'Monkey See Monkey Do' and I can't wait to get there but as usual it'll be a schizophrenic experience in that I'll enjoy being in the company of some of the greatest climbers and mountaineers in the world but at the same time I'll wish I was out scoping Mark Twight's un-repeated route 'The Reality Bath' on the White Pyramid. A 600m ice climb under a serac in which, according to one guidebook writer," you have a 50/50 chance of getting the chop".......................

Busy Weekend

2009-10-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

I got up on Saturday morning and put on my shorts, wicking top, hill running shoes and stepped outside into a cold morning and scraped the frost from my windscreen and left for Arran. My plan was to do every main summit in one blast. I had walked it the previous year and suffered with a fair amount of pain afterwards so I knew what I was getting myself into. The weather wasn't great but the occasional break in the cloud showed some impressive views, if I were to ever tire of the hills I know that one day on Arran would easily re-ignite my love of the outdoors.

I was doing this as part of my winter training but also to distract me from thinking about what was happening the following night. After 8 hours exactly I arrived back at the ferry point and didn't feel to bad though as I write this I'm suffering a bit.

Sunday at 5a.m I awaken sharply with the realisation that tonight is the premiere of Hotaches new film 'Single Handed' at the Edinburgh Mountain Film Festival which is about my climbing and motivations etc and I am more nervous about this than any other thing I have done in my life but the film was well received and I was glad to be there when Diff won both the awards that the film was nominated for, thanks to everyone who voted for the film.I had quite a few people with similar disabilities or who had children with disabilities say that the film inspired them which I always struggle with but I'm glad people can take that from what I do. I also now have the opportunity to go to the Banff Mountain Film Festival with the film which is amazing , I would never have imagined being in such a privileged position when I started climbing a few years back.

You can view the trailer for the films on Hotaches Productions website................

Reality Check

2009-10-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

Since doing E7 the other week I've been working and doing a couple of lectures so theres been no time to climb or train. So the other day I got a text from Andy Turner saying he will be keen for climbing in November so I decided I had better get my finger out and start training on the axes and getting a bit of hill fitness built up. I've managed to get in a few good runs and have really enjoyed just being out alone in the hills. Last night though was a serious reality check as to where my winter strength is at , before I moved up to Fort Bill and staying in Ayrshire I was the one that trained the hardest at the wall and pushed myself (well thought I pushed myself) but last night was an eye opener when Dave Macleod came down to the wall , complete with weight belt , and proceeded to easily do twice the amount that I did. It made me realise that I'll need to take myself to a whole new level this season if I intend to climb the routes on my list. It is possible but what is left of my already shattered social life will need to take another hammering.

Post E7 I thought I would genuinely be able to relax and walk away from soloing but already I have my eye on an E8 in The Peak , so between that and getting ready for this winter route my life will once again be completely taken over. If I'm successful on these routes though I HAVE to step back and take stock of what I've done and what I've gotten away with before my life becomes completely empty bar my climbing , which is nearly the case at the moment!!

Ya Dancer

2009-09-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

After last weeks disappointment at Strathconnon I was pretty angry at myself for not having broken the E7 barrier , not angry at failing on the route but more angry at myself due to the nagging doubts of losing my bottle etc . A while back Dave and Gaz both soloed an E7 slab in the Gorms called Firestone , Dave called me shortly afterwards telling me it would suit my style of climbing . However the route gets seepage from Hells Lum and takes days to dry , which hadn't happened for near two months . On Wednesday night I checked the forecast for the weekend and saw that Friday looked good and it had been dry for three days , time to go for it . I picked Kieran up early and headed to Aviemore to meet Fran . The closer we got to the Gorms the better it looked . We got ready and headed on in and even though I kind of knew what I was heading for I felt perfectly content with it.

Kieran and Fran heading up the Goat Track

We headed up into the Corrie in a fairly strong wind but stunning views everywhere , one of those days that make you glad to be alive and in the mountains . On arrival at the crag the route looked exactly as it said in the guide "devoid of holds and protection" perfect!! I got on top rope right away and , as happened last week , only fell once first attempt. I tried it afew more times but then realised that what will happen will happen , harness off , rope gone , just myself and time to play the dark mental game.

Tope-roping Firestone , Fran on belay...

I sat away while the lads set up for film and pics. I always have to try find the right motivation triggers before doing things like this and they usually follow the same line and this time was no exception but I usually feel pretty scared and yet this time I felt nothing . Just an emptiness that seemed to come from focus , total committment to doing the line and a kind of resignation to the route. I felt free.

I got on the route and climbed the first few metres , my foot slipped and I hurtled down , no pain though so no excuses to quit. Straight back on and went for it , I went way past any possibility of down-climbing and remember thinking to myself that I was strangely happy to be in a position like this. As I approached the crux , which is in the last few moves , I could feel my feet start to slip again but then something happened and I focused totally on the subtle smears in the rock , no racing heartbeat , no hurling stomach , just a crystal clear picture of what had to be done.

Approaching the midway point on the solo

I got to within one move of the good hold at the end and just as I tickled two fingertips onto a tiny hold my feet once again felt insecure , relax , keep going , no chance to quit now. I reach through by the skin of my teeth to the finishing hold , mantle and literally run the last few metres and it was just the best I've felt in years.

Contemplating what I had just done and pondering whats next

As we were packing up our kit I took some time to myself to think , and realised that although I was stoked at doing the route I was also feeling somewhat lost as I dont really know where to go next in rock climbing , I have always said that soloing E7 was my lifetime ambition and I wouldn't solo any harder but already the niggling thoughts were there. I also had to try explain to myself how far I'm willing to go to climb a route , the risk , purposeful depression , severing contact with important people in the build up and came very quickly to the conclusion that those fleeting seconds of pure undiluted happiness after the climb are worth all the sacrifice.

Time to focus on winter plans................

Ambition vs Friction

2009-09-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

A while back I decided that if I could solo or lead a bold E7 then I would make an effort to walk away from doing life threatening things on a fairly regular basis ( though I was reminded that I said this about reaching E3 ) . So with this in mind Diff , Gaz and myself headed to Strathconnon yesterday to check out the Julian Lines route 'The Unknown Soldier' . A very bold and slabby undertaking . I got on a top rope and did all the moves bar one 1st try then the sun came out...

On top rope , pics- Gaz Marshall

I tried again and again to do the crux move but with nigh on zero friction I had to admit defeat and after a bout of swearing , lowered down . I know I'll go back to attempt this line when the temp drops but I also know that its right at my limit and that I'll be taking a huge chance in leading it . But in my opinion its worth taking the risk as the personal reward from success on this route far outweighs the risk of serious injury etc .

Looking scunnered after lowering off for the final time

The closer I get to climbing my lifetime ambition grades the more I have to wrestle with my reasons for climbing the way I do . I've been questioned many times about if I have a deathwish and after having nearly died quite a few times I can honestly say I dont as I've fought hard to survive . Theres also the question of whether I feel I have to prove something with being disabled but I haven't felt that for years . Perhaps its because of being dumped by the only girl I've loved because of my climbing , well I say dumped , she did give me a choice between her and climbing . I dont know if I'll ever truly understand why my ambition never seems to dull in climbing but I'm pretty sure that no matter what I do I'll never be able to easily walk away from the cathartic joy of taking risks....

The Hurt Begins

2009-08-31T13:36:00.000-07:00

Tonight I headed straight down the wall after work for my first axe training session since March. Luckily Blair and Johann were psyched too and helped me motivate myself. As they bouldered I sharpened my Fusions in prep for what would be the sketchiest holds I have ever trained on.

Trying hard not to fall off

The training hurt but I managed to stick all the sketchy holds now all I need to do is attempt to link it all , so I need to lose a bit of weight , work on strength and fitness and sort out my diet...........

Blair showing the effort

Johann on the steepest board

Moving up here , bringing up the wall and all the training is pretty much all for one reason. That reason is one particular winter route which , if i manage to climb it , will mean I can hopefully get peace from myself. It will take me to a level , physically and mentally , that I find hard to imagine right now. I really wanted to do it last year and I got physically ready but mentally I wasn't prepared. I was still hanging onto the past in some areas of my life but I've cut away from that now and have a fresh outlook on my approach. The route is the most serious thing I've ever wanted to do and its the first time I've actually been afraid of a climb , even soloing M10+ feels easy in comparison to how this will be.

Last year I thought that if I was depressed then I would approach the climb with a 'who cares' attitude but the depression started having a physical effect and I had to battle a bit to break out of it. I've realised though that I have to hang on to my dark side so I can tap into that to allow me to climb solo near my limits , I've also learned how to effectively control the depression that I get as a side effect of my epilepsy now so I can use it to my advantage. So heres hoping it all comes together this year..................

Mission Accomplished

2009-08-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

It's been raining for what seems like an age now and frustration was setting in. I wasn't sure if I would settle in the Fort when I moved here but theres so much to do so it seems like the logical place for me to be. With that in mind I decided to move my climbing wall from the garage back home up to here. Al Halewood (http://www.climbwhenyoureready.com/) offered up his basement as an area to build it so my Brother-in-Law moved it up in his trailer two weeks ago and work began. Dave , Rob and myself trying to figure out a plan

So a few days later Blair , Rob , Dave and myself spent an afternoon figuring out angles and attaching some support beams to the walls.That weekend my Dad , whos a joiner to trade , turned up for the day and progress went into overdrive.

Dad gets stuck in

Plenty done in a day and the promise of more help next weekend so Saturday arrives and so do my parents and my mate Johann and everyone got into the work.

Myself , Johann and my Dad grafting away

Two days later and the wall is up , holds on and ready for training to begin tomorrow night, cant wait..................

Mission Accomplished

River Race

2009-08-17T12:48:00.001-07:00

The Glen Nevis River Race is an annual event where a bunch of dafties jump off a bridge, climb onto lilos and make their way down two miles of river with sections of rough and calm water. The Saturday it happened this year the lads and I were working but decided to go out and do it some night after work. So on a sunny Thursday night the 'team' had dwindled to 2 swimmers (Keiran and myself) and two spectators (Julie and Dennis). So off we went and got ready at the bridge, Keiran executed a perfect backwards flip into the water and I did a very unimpressive impression of a depth charge.

Keiran leads the way into the 'rapids'

As we got further down river we decided it would be wise to scope out the section known as "The Legbreaker" . I had already decided that no matter how bad it looked I had to go for it or face being labelled soft.So we stopped and Keiran showed me the best way to go, where i should aim to land etc, no bother I thought, how foolish...........
Looking on as Keiran makes the "Legbreaker" look like a breeze

I go over,the wrong way, wrong side of the river

As I jumped in the current immediately dragged me to the wrong side,wrong direction and I went over sideways without my lilo,a few litres later I surface bleeding and in a bit of pain, proper fun.

Keiran once again making it look easy

As we approached Lower Falls we once again jumped off the lilos and took another big jump with similar performances as before. As we rounded the next corner a Father and young family were having a 'nice' evening by the river and the last thing they were obviously expecting to see were two numpties appearing round the corner on lilos. They were sat next to the last whitewater we expected to see but as I approached Keiran stood up to the side of the river and in a horrible moment of realisation I knew he was stopping to check the drop, i could only look at him in resignation as I floated by once again to a spectacular sideways tumble and re-surface still gargling and trying to swear, as i got back on my lilo and turned to see the families faces, priceless...............

Saturday Night Climbing

2009-08-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

A week after the E5's another team from Nevisport (Andy, Keiran and Charles) and Diff from Hotaches Productions (who was there to film for his latest DVD "Monkey See, Monkey Do") headed up the Glen for an attempt at another of Cubbys routes, Jahu E6.This seemed like a fairly big step to up my soloing level 2 grades within about a week but I felt good and in good company again so thought "why not".As Diff was setting cameras I had a top rope on the route and all too quickly it was time to try the hardest technical climb of my life with no room for error.For the first time in my life I actually walked away to take a few minutes to myself and contemplate the risk I was about to take,after about 10 minutes the sky was becoming increasingly menacing so I dropped my mind into the place it needs to be to do these things.Dark skies and dark thoughts, perfect for these things as long as you can maintain the balance and find joy in the place you are, the company you are with and in the actions you are taking.

Suddenly I'm taking the first few steps up then as I approach the crux I realise somethings wrong, I dont feel right.No panic though, no missed heartbeat and its only in my last 2 close calls have I found this level of control which has almost the same level of satisfaction as the climbing.

I down climb and shout to Diff and the lads that I'm just going to chill a bit when the rain starts, no second thought now, time to go as I'm too psyched not to.Into the crux and my heart is thumping now.....

On the crux moves(that is the 'hold' for my left) of Jahu

I feel the holds get wet but I'm well focused (as you can see in my face above) and hit the crossover move, it goes smoothly. Tiny holds for my left, I dread any kind of epileptic tremor at these moments, feet sorted, big reach for my right hand, maintain balance and I'm at the jug and the same finish as the E5.Raining a bit heavier now but it doesn't matter, its over, I didn't fall, it's all good.
Mantelling onto the jug at the end of the hard moves (pics Copyright Hotaches)

After I got home that night and relaxing alone with a brew I realised how much my life had changed in the last few months since I left home for the Fort.Its a Saturday night and I'm out climbing the hardest route of my life whereas a few months before I would've been wrecked in the boozer and as much as I miss partying with my mates I know I feel more at home out on the crags and in the hills these days, amazing how quick not only times but also people can change. All this thought from a 9m solo..................????

First E5's

2009-08-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago after work a team from Nevisport including Gaz (pics) Keith (belayer) and Kaye (supposed moral support) headed up Glen Nevis for me to attempt my first E5 lead and solo. The heat on my proposed lead route made the friction for my left hand crap so instead it seemed wise to solo the E5 in the shade first. Gaz got into position for shots as Keith belayed me on a top rope warm up and Kaye watched from the distance. I dumped the gear and went through the now familiar process of switching off to all outside distractions, emotions, calming my mind, heartbeat and stomach and set off.I got to the point of no return and took a minute (I love this point in soloing) then made the committing move left, as I moved up with my right I could ,expectedly, feel my left hand coming off but caught the hold with my right, one more hard move and its easier ground,its over quickly. Brilliant route.

Soloing 'Where the Mood Takes Me' . All pics: Gary Caswell

Next up was the lead which I was strangely more nervous about. We headed down to Scimitar Buttress.We ran through the same prep as before, but while focusing on the route and doing a mental rehearsal Kaye sneaked up on me and scared the s***e out of me , not good for controlling my heartbeat.Anyway I chalked up, Keith prepared for probably his easiest belay ever, Gaz got ready for shots and Kaye sparked up.

Heading into the crux, Keith 'belays' and Kaye looks for a lighter

I took off up the route feeling fluid and comfortable.I get to the break for bomber gear feeling only a little tired,place it and get a rest on good holds.

Jamming my left forearm in to allow me to miss out a hold i couldn't get with my left!!

I crank my left arm in the jam and move off, very concious of the fact that a slip here would mean a certain compound fracture.I start to feel the pump on the remaining moves but try to remain smooth, I get to the top and it feels amazing to have done 2 E5s in a night. Credit has to go to all those with me though as without the right support these things just aren't possible

Intro Blog

2009-08-14T03:03:00.000-07:00

The purpose of my blogging is as much reporting on my climbing as it is to remind myself of what I've done. I dont want to write constantly about 'what' I've done but as much ,if not more, of why I do it.It will also look at the general frustration of being a disabled climber. Maybe I'll unearth the answer myself as to why I solo as much, who knows. It'll be as much a diary as it is a look at my past and whats helped or hindered me in my climbing.........

Kev